And that’s all I have to say about that.

Thinking of moving blogs to a new place.  Feel like I need a fresh start.  But first, I have something to get off my chest.

Everyone who is friends with my ex is a dumbass.  Each and every one of you.  Sure, he might not have done anything to you personally, but he’s kept secrets.  Like from you, Kitten.  He had sex with your (at the time) under age cousin in the pool bathroom at your mother’s house.

Oh, and he sexually molested my daughter.

I don’t care if none of you believe me or want to chalk it up to bitterness of the break up.  But that’s exactly what she told me.  “He touched my girl parts and made me lay on my stomach while he put something up my butt.”  Children don’t make up shit like that at two years old, which is how old she was when she first told me.

So fuck each and every one of you for thinking he’s a good friend.  Fuck you for asking me to help that child molester out.  Oh, and fuck you for ruining my fun when his Facebook account was “hacked” (because he had been using the same password for his account since I left him).  It’s no less than what he is, after all.  I hope you all read this and feel as bad as you made me feel by asking me to HELP him.

Fuck you.

Community

I’ve tried for years to feel like I was connected to something bigger than myself.  But try as I might, I continue to feel like an outcast.  I’m not quite sure why that is, though.  I’m an interesting person.  I know for a fact that I have a lot I can bring to the table.  Yet that feeling of belonging to a community eludes me.

Maybe I just complain too much.  After all, I have a wonderful Akri and a beautiful little bird that both love and accept me for who and what I am.  Shouldn’t that be enough?

At the same time, however, Akri and Morika both have Second Life, where they have friends and family and a community that accepts and loves them.  And, I have to admit, I’m a little jealous.  I know I can’t be part of that.

Perhaps it all just boils down to my terrible self-esteem issues.  As much as I’d like to say “I don’t ACT like I have low self-esteem, so how do the people who treat me poorly or ignore me know?” I think that’s probably the most likely thing it could be.

But is it really too much to ask to be respected in a field of my choosing?

Friends? Unlikely.

Sometimes, I kind of wish I were friends with my ex again.  I don’t know why.  He’s pretty much an asshole.  But at least he was someone I could talk to and feel superior to.  Which is a pretty shitty basis for a friendship, I’ll admit.

I think the biggest thing that is stopping me from even a shitty friendship with him is the fact that he hasn’t changed.  Even after I left with my daughter, he still acts the same as he did before I left.  Instead of using the time to grow as a person, he’s exactly the same.

Perhaps I shouldn’t let it bother me so much, especially since we’re not together anymore.  But I did spend five years with the guy and it was my first real relationship as an adult, so that has a way of affecting someone.

Hah, maybe I’m just lonely, since it’s early morning and no one’s really up to talk to.

Elitist

I have a feeling I’ve been kind of snobbish lately.  Not outwardly, but in my head.  I read something that an ex-friend had written and I immediately thought “wow, I’m better than you.”  I don’t know when I turned out like that.  I don’t even know if it’s necessarily a bad thing.

I mean, sure.  It’s not a good thing to be too elitist.  But I also don’t believe all people are equal.  Some people are either destined for bigger things or just handle things in a better way than others.  That doesn’t mean there’s a single individual who is better than everyone.  While someone may be better in one area, they will fall behind in others.  For example, although I’m a better writer than, say, said ex-friend, I also cannot draw as well as them.

Who knows.  Perhaps I’m just having “realizations of grandeur” tonight.  I don’t always recognize that I’m an awesome person, though I know I must be because people who I feel are QUALITY PEOPLE think I am.  It’s amazing what some self-confidence will do.

Irritants

I have been terribly irritated lately.  Between the heat and the self-doubt, it’s all starting to feel like a bit much.  Minor things have started to bug me, such as the way people address me.  I feel silly calling people out on it, so I don’t say anything, but in my mind, I kind of stew about it.

Mostly I think I’m irritated at myself.  I’ve finally started in on the public release of our Hellion project.  If you’re interested, you can read more here if you’re truly interested in my prose.  It’s nothing fancy and nothing too risqué (that would be over on FetLife, since I’m not 100% sure on deviantArt’s policies regarding sex scenes).

Part of me wishes that I were a better writer.  That’s what makes me so irritated about all of this.  I cannot get the correct words out that I wish to say, though at the same time, I know that the only way to become a stronger writer is to continue to write.

The problem becomes that I love my writing right off the bat, but the more I re-read it, I think it’s terrible.  Even this blog entry was rewritten three or four times before I had to stop myself from deleting and just push the publish button.

I’m sure this will all pass.  I know the weariness of last week certainly has, so this irritation can’t last too much longer.  Perhaps if I can get Akri’s permission to reach an orgasm tonight, that will help…

Can I stop now?

This past week has been insanely busy.  I haven’t even had time to blog.  Well, I suppose I have, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take the time.  I wouldn’t know what to write.  Don’t even know what to write now.

Some thoughts:

• My daughter started school on Monday.  That’s taken some getting used to.  I don’t know what else to say about that other than it’s left us busier than normal. Especially when I thought I’d have more time to do things.
• I have been feeling so… unappealing lately.  But at the same time, the idea of sex is a turnoff to me right now.  What is wrong with me?
• I’m tired of being the one people come to when they feel like bitching.  I just want to be left alone.

Meh.

No more

I have changed a lot in the past few years. So much so that I often wonder if my old friends would even recognize me these days. I don't think they seem to, really. But really, who cares? It just really amazes me that I'm nearly a different person now than five years ago.

The way I dress is slightly different. I'm still in mostly T-shirts and jeans, but those jeans aren't ripped hand-me-downs from my husband. I actually have new clothes, which is something that my ex never saw fit to get for me.

The music I listen to is very different. I rarely listen to Japanese bands these days, instead choosing more diverse music. I've gotten back into older bands that I used to enjoy and, likewise, I've discovered music that a certain Music Nazi wouldn't approve of at all. And I've even started singing again, which has increased my moods greatly.

Alright, so this post is mostly about how shitty my ex treated me. I never get to vent about it, not really. So I'm doing it now. I need to get it off my chest, since I think it's the last thing I really need to move past everything. I was treated poorly, but now things are much better. And I'm so glad for that.

Truth

Last night, I decided to truthfully answers any and all questions that were directed my way. There weren't many coming from outside Akri and Morika, which I consider to be private, though I will recap what was asked publicly. I'm actually surprised there weren't more questions, honestly. I suppose people prefer me to be an enigma.

Why do you want to be a submissive succubi?

As much as I would like to say it's in my nature to be submissive, I'm finding more and more that it's not. However, with Akri, my submission is just a fact of life. Much like breathing, it's something that I cannot do without, nor do I think twice about it.

If money were no object, what is the one thing that would be most important to you to do?

My family. Even when money is tight, I would do anything I can to make sure that you all are taken care of.

When was the moment that Alpha fell in love with Akri?

I fell in love with Akri the first time we played Ragnarok Online together and he sat down to talk to me.

What is the most attractive attribute of your mate that drives you wild for him/her?

You forgot an s there ;)

I love their passion for life. Both Akri and Morika have this indescribable spark in them that drives me wild. When the three of us are together, I feel as if the world could fall apart around me and I wouldn't care at all.

Where were you born?

California.

Was there anything that you were worried about the first time we were about to become naked?

Well, possibly that you would be turned off by the scars on my body, particularly by the c-section scar. I know that I personally loath it, so don't know why you wouldn't. I was pleasantly surprised that it didn't bother you at all, Akri.

If you had the chance to turn back time, would you change anything about your past?

Anyone who knows me probably already knows the answer to this: I would take back getting married. Looking back on it now, I got married for all the wrong reasons. I felt pressured into it. I didn't truly want to, even at the time. I remember crying to my mother about it the morning of the "wedding" and her trying to convince me it was just normal jitters.

Obviously it wasn't, but that's besides the point.

What were you thinking about right before you kissed me for the first time?

I was wondering how soft your lips were going to be. Once I felt them, though, I wanted more and never wanted my lips to be separated from yours.

What is your ultimate sexual fantasy?

This is difficult, because I have many sexual fantasies. So many that I'm not sure which I can label as "the ultimate." One of my fantasies is to have Akri completely dominate Morika and I, telling us exactly what to do, how to do it. Perhaps there's rope or chains or stocks involved. Perhaps it's just a vanilla scene. Either way, it's a turn-on to think about how dominating he can be towards us.

Dear fake ass bitches,

I'm tired of you saying one thing to my face and me finding out you've said another behind my back. Tired of how one can defend someone so obviously worthless. Just consider this friendship at an end now. I'll be the bad guy, I don't give a shit.

I do consider what was done to me the final knife in the back. I put up with it for too long and I don't have to take it any longer. If that makes me a bad friend, I'll be that, too. I'll be whatever you want to call me. And I'll be it proudly, if only to get away from you.

If you don't feel this is aimed at you, it's probably not. If, however, something reminds you of yourself? Yeah, totally aimed at you.

No love or time for bitches,
Lilikka

Let's face it, I'm a bitch

It's days like this that I hate being a succubus. Knowing there are people that are attracted to me, but not being able to be with me. Especially now that part of the rules that all three of us agreed to means no one outside the three of us. And, in a way, I completely understand. It would upset me to see someone else with Akri or with Morika, so why wouldn't it upset them to see someone else with me?

I know I've hurt people because of what I am. I can't help it. I try to make myself seem as unattractive as possible, just to avoid certain situations. I wish it would work more often than it does.

Burn baby burn

Believe it or not, I try not to be a complete bitch most of the time. But when I feel slighted or wronged in some way, I will lash out. Take, for example, my ex’s fiancée. She overstepped her boundaries, so I got upset with her. As a favour to my ex, however, I extended an olive branch, hoping that maybe we just got off on the wrong foot. After all, he said that she said she was sorry.

But it’s been 24 hours and there’s been no response to my generous offer. Now, I’m a forgiving demon, but there is a limit to my forgiveness. Especially when, on day one of meeting this person, she’s trying to dictate what I do or don’t do with my daughter.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this other than to expel anger at the situation. And, quite possibly, hoping the parties responsible for the anger will read this and realize that they’ve fucked with the wrong bitch.

Criminal

I’ve been working on writing something for a while. Nothing definite, nothing solid. Just kind of planning it in my head, hoping something awesome would come out of it. Doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, so I’m just going to write what I can, since that’s what Akri has requested of me.

I’ve come to realize that, in a lot of ways, I’m a bad person. But I’m OK with this. I like who I am. I like what I’ve become. Life is certainly more interesting this way, at the very least. And it’s not like I don’t have those who love me for exactly what I am.

But I realize I’m not the powerless and weak little girl that others have tried to force me to be my whole life. I realize they kept me down because they were scared. Scared of what I was, of what I would become. And if it sounds narcissistic of me, then I’ll gladly claim that title.

The last few days have helped me more therapeutically than the last few years have. And I have to thank the losers from my past for that. So enjoy it while I flip you the bird and smile.

Wandering mind

Sometimes I wonder if my life is a dream that I’m going to wake from.  At times, that dream is a nightmare and I beg to wake up.  Sometimes it’s a good dream and I don’t want to wake up.  But no matter what, there is definitely a dream-like quality to all of my actions and the things that happen around me.  Perhaps it’s because I feel more spiritually connected to a different plane of existence than the one here on Earth.

Because, honestly, I’m curious as to why so many people whose spirits I feel hail from Earth are so… I’m not sure how to describe it.  But they’re vulgar.  Or self-obsessed.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m coming across like I feel I’m better than them.  Or maybe it’s just the feeling I got after reading something today written by a certain someone.  It was pretty disgusting.  And misogynistic.  And just gross.

I don’t know.  I’m tired and not thinking too well today.  Or maybe I’m thinking too much.  Or thinking better than I ought to for the situation.  I don’t know.

De-stress

The stress has been much better managed over the past few days.  Between talking with Akri and Morika about everything and us just all relaxing with each other and it all feels really wonderful to have such love around me.

That’s something that I’m still learning to do and something that I’ve been trying to help Morika with as well.  To learn that it’s not what people who don’t love you say that matters.  It’s a hard lesson to learn.  But it’s been well worth it for Akri to guide me through those rough times.  And it’s nice to be able to turn around and help someone else through that as well.

This little family that we’re building around us is truly a beautiful thing.  Things have never felt so complete in my life, even when they are rough.  As long as I’ve got my little bird and my Akri, things are great.

Stress

I’m not sure I even wrote yesterday like I was supposed to.  Akri said that was OK, but I feel bad about it.  I have been under so much stress lately that it’s really mind boggling that I’m even able to do anything at all.

I’ve been having a really difficult time with my bipolar lately.  It’s swinging down, so I’ve naturally been pretty depressed and feeling down.  As I’m sure can be witnessed by my entries here.

One thing that constantly can make me feel better, however, is writing.  It allows me an escape into my own world, one that I’ve seen in my head and been to in my dreams.  Perhaps even in spirit.  I’m kind of afraid to get all my spiritual thoughts out in a public place because they might be so bizarre that people would think me strange.  And being judged for my beliefs is definitely a trigger of mine.

So I’ll keep them to myself and Akri for now.

Shhhh

Today, Akri allowed me to have a quiet day to myself.  To allow me to analyze things and just get away from all the noise that occurs outside my head.  It was amazing.  I think it’s something that I might request more often, because it’s done me a world of good for both my self-esteem, my productivity and my outlook.

I also discovered that Akri and Morika are muses to me.  Between the two of them, I’ve actually written more fiction in a single day than I have over the past few years.  It’s really quite amazing and I cannot wait to share my stories with the world.

So tonight I go to bed happy, which is very different than things have been in a very, very long time.

Defective

I know Akri doesn’t like me to describe myself as such, but this is how I feel tonight.  Defective.  Broken.  I feel like if only I could be more intimate with those that I’m currently in relationships with that it would fix all that.  But part of me is so scared because I’m not feeling very sensual or sexual at the moment.

So, I feel as if there’s something majorly wrong with me.  And perhaps there is.  I mean, I’m a frakkin succubus.  This should be a natural thing for me.  So it’s got me thinking that there’s all kinds of things wrong with me.  Like I don’t even know my identity anymore.

Maybe this is just a difficult time in my life right now.  It shouldn’t be.  So many things are going right.  So why does it feel like everything is falling apart?

TMI

I don’t like admitting I’m wrong and I like to admit that Akri can be wrong even less.  In my eyes, he’s like a deity, though I know it’s unfair to put that much pressure on his shoulders.  But he made a mistake in my training regimen and we’re now trying to find a way to fix it.

As part of my daily schedule, I was to masturbate twice a day at scheduled times.  This has lead to masturbation and anything sexual feeling absolutely mechanical to me.  Sure, I get wet when stimulated, but I just cannot come.  I’ve tried it while watching porn, while reading erotica, while fantasizing, but nothing seems to work.

Mostly, this has left me feeling frustrated and embarrassed.  I can go through the motions, but can’t actually just reach the goal.  If I could just capture that again, I think things would work out so much better for me.  Not that things are bad right now.  But they’d be better if I could be the fully-actualized succubus self that I know I am.

I’m making a note here:

Huge success!

All nerdities aside, I pushed through and just conquered a trigger.  At least I hope so.  It’s impossible to know for sure if it will come up again in the future, but I think I have this one licked.  And I’m proud of myself for that.  Since struggling with PTSD most of my life, I’ve been unable to do anything remotely like that.

But now, I see things for how they truly are.  And it’s amazing how I couldn’t see these things before.  I’m being vague intentionally here since I don’t want to have to explain things too much.  My blog, my thoughts.

Either way, I’m happy with how things have worked out today. I know I’m a better person for it.

Somebody

I’ve been reading Mira Grant’s Feed.  It makes me wish that, in some ways, the world were a bit like that.  At least the blogosphere.  And minus the zombies.  I want to be seen as a credible writer in some field.  It’s interesting to get my own thoughts out on “paper,” but it would be great to kind of report the news as it happens around me.

I suppose I could do just that, but I’m not much of an anybody.  I could make myself to be a somebody, but I’m not sure how to go about doing that.

But really, I want to be somebody.  More than just in the eyes of those I love and who love me, because I know I’m somebody to them.  And I am grateful for that.  But to be seen as somebody who doesn’t even know me?  That would be an amazing feat for me.

HNT

Not the best of shots, but sexy enough. The Wii Remote is so wonderfully phallic.

What’s next?

My relationship with Akri isn’t perfect.  Does this surprise you?  It shouldn’t.  We’re much like any other couple.  And with my mental disorders, it only makes things more difficult because I purposely try and push everyone away.  But in the moments when my emotions aren’t on overload, I can think clearly and know what I need to change in order to make this better for both of us.

As Akri’s submissive, things need to be more difficult for me.  Especially now that we have Morika with us as well.  As the alpha, I ought to be held to a higher standard.  This is something that I want personally, not just because the situation has changed.  I think I would have desired it regardless.  I say this so our little bird doesn’t think it’s because of her and take it upon herself to feel guilty.

I would also like more opportunities to be sensual versus being sexual.  Because I’m a succubus, I tend to be seen only as a sexual creature and that disturbs me slightly.  I want to get in tune with the side of me that desires the touches, the kisses, the holding, but not necessarily the sex.

Part of me wants to feel so owned that it appears Akri has no care for my well-being.  I know he does and I will always know that, but there’s something about the need to be used in every way possible that Akri could think of.  It’s such a base need of mine that it’s almost embarrassing how much I need it.  But I do need it.  I need that feeling of being owned and that I’m nothing but what Akri says I am.

I normally wouldn’t be talking about what I want, but Akri insisted.  I really think what should change should be up to him with minimal input from me.  But he wants my input and he is Akri, so he will get my input.

I don’t know really what to say other than I feel like all I’m going to do is bring others down.  It’s when I get like this that I start to resent the love given to me.  And it’s when I’m like this that I start losing everyone I love.  I have no one to blame but myself because I push them away.

Flux

Change is inevitable.  Life cannot be static and, if it were, I think everyone would get bored with that.  But sometimes that change comes so suddenly that it leaves you in a tailspin.

And that’s where I’m at right now.  Things were comfortable how they were, but then my brother was coming back into our lives.  That alone would have been enough to throw me around a bit, but when he pulled the stunt he pulled…it’s just too much for me.

I feel like pulling back from everyone again.  Just separating myself from everyone and everything until I can get myself sorted out.  But I know that’s no good.  I need to be a part of life and let life be a part of me.

Love

I’m not a big believer in the Bible.  I think there are quite a few good ideas in the book, such as don’t kill, don’t steal, and the like.  However, for the most part, what’s in there seems a bit silly to me.  Except the parts about Love and the way it’s viewed.  And I’m lucky enough to be feeling all three forms of Love at the same time.

I am in love with Love, as silly and naive as that sounds.  To me, it’s the most pure and forceful of emotions and it’s caused me to have more breakdowns than all my fits of anger combined.  But I think that it’s because of the pureness of the emotions that I get wrapped up like that.

I consider myself highly Empathic in more of a psychic sense and less of a mundane sense.  I can manipulate emotions in others as well as immediately pick up on them.  Perhaps that’s why Love affects me so much.  It’s the one emotion I can’t manipulate, especially in myself.

Introspection

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this morning.  I’m not the same woman I was five years ago.  Which is nearly the last time I have spoken in great length to some people, particularly people I’ve been reconnecting with.  And I think I’m likely to surprise more than a few people.  Of course, I expect to receive my own surprises as well.

In particular, I often wonder what others would think about the fact that I’m in a poly relationship with another woman as well as Akri, who I left my ex-husband to be with.  I’m not sure if my friends are aware it’s the same man at all.  Either way, I don’t particularly care what they think.  I love Akri and there’s no way I’m leaving him because of what others think.  Nor will I abandon Morika because it upsets the sensibilities of others.

I told Akri and Morika that our relationship is a lot like the Triforce from The Legend of Zelda.  Without one of us, the whole is weaker.  And that just feels so perfect to me.

Happy Birthday Akri

Today is the anniversary of the birth of my Akri.  Though we didn’t do much to celebrate, it was enough that we were together, if only in spirit.  And with Morika there as well, it was all even better.

A few words

Weak

Useless

Broken

森

One thing I have often expressed a desire to Akri is the fact that I love the idea of him having a second submissive.  The thought of a “submissive sister” of sorts has all kinds of appeal to me, not just sexually, but emotionally as well.  And, by serving the same Master, we’d be stronger together than we’d ever be apart.

And the fact that Master believes he’s found someone he’s not only willing but extremely desiring of making a second submissive is making me all kinds of giddy.  He’s talked about this woman many times to me before but last night was the first time he approached the subject of her becoming a possible submissive.  After the eni affair, we’re both pretty skittish to try this again, but with her, it feels different.

Perhaps this is me just jumping headfirst into something without looking, but I tend to do that when I love someone or something.  I love fast and I love strong.  It’s a part of my nature that is probably the most positive thing to ever come out of my PTSD.

But I’m willing to jump.  For Akri.  For her.  And for me.

One down, six to go

I have been very wrath filled lately.  That’s a nice, sinful word for it.  I have been so tense that I’m likely to explode from all the pent up anger.  And all the anger is leading me to have a ton of problems with everyone.  I’m being triggered left and right and the slightest provocation will set me off.

Just the act of losing my cellphone today and my grandma yelling at me about it caused me to lose my shit.  I mean, does she think she pays for it?  Because she doesn’t.  And what business is it of hers if I lose something? Especially when she loses things all the time.

But I guess this is just all the stress the family is under because of my shithead of a brother.  Wherever he goes, chaos follows and not in the fun kind of way.  And with him coming back to town, I’m likely to go insane over all this.

Stream

I’ve been intending to write for a while now, but what I wanted to write just hasn’t been coming out.  So in an attempt to get that jump started, I’m just going to write what comes to mind.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with many issues regarding myself and my self image.  I don’t even know if self image is the word I want.  Self perception?  I’m not sure.  But I know I’ve been changing.  And that tends to cause me to do too much thinking than is probably good for me.  But this can also be a good thing, because then I become more comfortable with who I am.  And I want to be comfortable with myself.

Lately, I’ve started realizing that I’m more polyromantic than I thought.  At the very least, I have a huge crush on someone that is not Akri.  And I’m ok with that.  And he’s ok with that.  And it’s kind of a wonderful thing being able to share my affection with many people.

And I’ve started calling him Akri more and Master less.  I wonder why that is.  He is still my Master, but the term Akri seems to fit so much better, even if it’s technically not a “real” word.  It’s what works for us.

I also think I’m quite a bit more dominating than I let myself be.  I think I’m only so submissive to others but him is because that’s all I know.  But if I had my way, I’d be the one in charge.

Help?

Things have been kind of rough for me lately, submission-wise.  I think I really need a mentor, someone I can turn to when I’m lost and don’t know what else I can do to further my submission to Master.  The places I’ve turned to haven’t exactly been helpful.  Mostly, I’ve been ignored.  And that kind of huts.  Well, it really hurts.

And today, I’ve probably done the worst thing I’ve ever done as Master’s submissive: I cursed and yelled at him.  I was hurting emotionally at the time, but that’s no excuse.  I have broken rules and that needs to be punished.  It scares me in a sense because I’ve never done anything so severe like this that I think I actually disappointed Master.

But at the same time, it kind of helps me realize that I am still his submissive.  And that’s a start towards getting it to stick in my head.  I just wish I didn’t have to be so damn stubborn as to go and do something stupid like I did to learn the lesson.

Pull the Trigger: Bang Bang

When it comes to housework, Master doesn’t push me too hard.  I keep the house tidy, but not immaculate.  After all, we’ve got a child living in the house.  But I think even if we didn’t, he wouldn’t be too pushy about it, because he knows that’s one of my triggers.

To put it bluntly, having PTSD sucks.  The most innocent of comments, like the one my landlord made yesterday during inspection, can send me careening into an onslaught of flashbacks.  It wasn’t even a rude comment, just “Oh, you’ve got some dust here and the oven needs cleaning.”

But the problem is, with my father, it was never just innocent comments.  If that stuff didn’t get done, you can be sure there’d be beatings in the future.  I always felt the need to be perfect, and it remains in me a bit to this day, I think.  It’s why I apologize to everyone so much; I’m sorry just to be me some days.

Master is helping me through this.  Some days, I half expect him to tell me that the phrase “I’m sorry” just doesn’t exist for me anymore unless it’s for an actual reason.  Some days, I kind of wish he would.

Core

In an effort to find myself again, Master and I have been discussing rules and protocol, as things have been rather lax between us.  Things I was supposed to have been doing, such as writing here every day, had fallen by the wayside, replaced with laziness and general meh.

As such, things are going to change.  I’m going to become the submissive that Master and I both want me to be.  The quiet, demure submissive that is admired from afar.  Master’s beautiful plaything that he allows others to view, perhaps to touch if it’s his desire.

The very idea of this appeals to me on such a base level, as if it’s an instrumental part of my being.  Without it, I’ll simply exist and not truly live.  I hope it’s not too difficult to sort out after all this time.

BASE Jumping

Today, I put myself out there.  Took a leap of faith.  Trusted in the faith others had in me.  And it showed me something.  Faith isn’t just something that one can have about the universe at large or even smaller phenomena.  I can have faith in myself.

It might be weird of me to not have known this, but when you realize I was constantly told how useless I was since birth, I never really put much thought into really believing in myself.  After all, even being born, I was a mistake.  I wasn’t my older sister who died and never had a chance at life.  I wasn’t the son my father wanted.

But none of that matters now.  I am Lilikka.  A strong woman.  Yes, I have many problems that I still need to work through and I’m sure that I’ll even falter in feeling as strong as I do right now, but this is testament to the fact that I am capable.  I just need to take that first step off the cliff and trust in myself that I’ll make it down safely.

Home

I’ve always tried to fit in wherever I was, but it seems I just can’t find a home, whether it’s in real life or online.  I moved around a lot as a child and, now that I’m an adult, I feel unsettled living in the same house for nearly three years.

And don’t get me started with my online homes.  In the beginning, I had a place I belonged.  A place I was respected, loved, to some degree worshipped.  And I miss that feeling in more ways than one.  I felt like I mattered.  Now?  I could disappear for weeks at a time and no one really comments too much on it.

Ever since then, I’ve been hunting for a place where I can be accepted for me, welcomed, loved.  Even on my own blog, I feel uneasy.  Like I can’t be myself because someone who knows me might come across it and then start to judge me because of the things I say.  After all, this is a public space and if I didn’t truly want people knowing my feelings, I wouldn’t publish it where anyone could have access to it.

And even with Master, I don’t completely feel at home.  A lot of that has to do with my own feelings of inadequacy at being his submissive.  I’ve never done this before and he’s had much more experience than me and what if I can’t please him how he wants to be pleased?

Perhaps all this is just attention-seeking behavior, though.  Maybe it’s best to ignore it and pay no mind to it at all.

The downside of being a succubus

I don’t often write about being a succubus.  There’s a reason for that.  Mostly because I don’t think people are as receptive to that as they are to me being a submissive.  Regardless, it’s a part of who and what I am and there are parts that I think I need to talk about.

Something has been bothering me lately about the way people are so possessive over me.  I don’t think people even realize they’re doing it, but it seems as if every friend or acquaintance I’ve ever had wants to own me subconsciously.  And I don’t mean this narcissistically, either.  It has nothing to do with how attractive I am or aren’t but rather the emotions I seem to stir up in people.

The problem with being wanted is that you feel pulled every which direction by everyone, including those that you don’t necessarily want to be pulled by, simply because they want to have you, have to have you.  I wouldn’t mind it if it were just Master and the people I like to have around me, but it seems to be everyone.

I don’t know. I don’t really have other succubi to talk about this with to see if it’s just me or what.  I know Master, as an incubus, feels the same way, but we’re also both empaths, so maybe it’s that.  All I know is that it really makes me feel uncomfortable.

HNT: I love a good mystery

It's no mystery that I love books, but I also love video games. Alan Wake feels like a mixture of the two of them. And the mystery involved in the game is amazing and makes me want more.

Just a phase?

I replied to a thread on Kotaku regarding relationships and what I find attractive in a companion.  Naturally, I brought up my relationship with Master, as it’s nothing that I’m ashamed of.  But what has appalled me is the reply I got.

I figured I’d get skeptics, but for someone to accuse me of mistreating my child by putting her on a leash is disgusting.  Firstly, I am a consenting adult and she is not.  Secondly, I fail to see what I do in my private relationship with Master has anything to do with our daughter.  She doesn’t see that side of it.

But I think worst of all is this person telling me it’s just a phase.  I know there are couples in D/s relationships that have lasted years, if not decades.  I never want to live without being Master’s.

Maybe I’m just looking for validation.  Master says it’s not a big deal and the person is just being rude for rudeness’s sake, but it really, really hurts me when I try to open up to the public at large about myself that I’m constantly rejected.

Use me. Don’t use me.

Part of the draw of this lifestyle for me is the feeling of being owned, of being used and having no real say in it.  But only by Master.  When others try asserting themselves on me, my body reacts one way and my mind another and I feel as if I’m betraying Master.

I don’t like to be used by others.  If I do something for someone else, I want it to be because I want to, not because I’m told to.  But part of my problems stem from the fact that I feel as if I must always do what others ask of me, even if it’s not always something I want to do.

But I love it when Master commands me, orders me around, debases me and calls me terrible names that I would not normally allow people to call me.  Unfortunately, I don’t often know how to express this desire to Master.  I try to talk to him about it, but I end up feeling so embarrassed that I end up saying nothing at all.  I was able to tell him a bit about it today, but I want to feel owned.  I need to feel owned.

I’ve Been Lost

I haven’t been wanting to be around people at all these past few days.  Maybe a week.  Even being around Master has been unbearable in a sense.  I just feel like shutting myself off from the world and not letting anyone in.

And finally facing the reality that I’m unwanted by my father hasn’t helped.  I’ve known my whole life how little he cared for me, but I never really realized it until today when he stated in open court how much he wants nothing to do with me.  I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve that.  I took his abuse for years in every form imaginable.  I suffer with a bad back to this day because he broke it when I wasn’t even in double-digits.

It all just hammers home how little anyone really seems to want anything to do with me once I’m away from them.  I suppose that some might find that rude of me to say, but honestly, take a look at our relationship and tell me if it isn’t true.  If you’re not offended by it, then obviously, what I’m saying isn’t directed at you.

I still don’t know if I’m ready to be around people again.  There aren’t more than two or three other than Master I even want to talk to.  But I guess I’ll try again and just have to keep hoping I don’t get hurt.  Again.

Clamps

I have a thing for tit torture. It's erotic to watch and erotic to feel. My favorite device are the clover clamps that Master bought for me. Immediately when they are put on, I'm brought to a place where I'm ready and willing to submit to Master, without having to be coaxed there. They bring out something animalistic within me. My pussy moistens and my clit throbs and I just want Master's big cock shoved into my mouth as he pulls on the chain connecting the clamps.

It's the chain, I think, that makes this pair of clamps wonderful. It reminds me of my submission the same way as my collar does. Whether Master is directing my movement by pulling on the rings of my collar or on the chain of the clamps, I know I am doing what he is desiring of me. It's these moments that I realize my true purpose in life: to serve Master to the best of my abilities. It's when I truly feel alive. And having my nipples squeezed tightly by the clamps helps remind me of that.

Truly, I don't think I would be able to submit fully if clamps weren't involved in some way. It doesn't have to be all the time, but even only once in a while, it's a wonderful reminder of the blissful pain that my submission brings to me. As a masochist, it is something I thrive on, particularly in matters of a sexual nature. And if something so simple as that can help bring me closer to what I perceive as my true purpose, than that can only be a good thing.

Sleepless

I’ve been tossing and turning in bed for the past 30 minutes and I hadn’t been able to figure out why.  Then it hit me: I’m still not completely over eni.  It’s only been, what, a few months since then?  November is when it all happened.

But I had fallen hard for her and in the span of only a few days, she managed to rip my heart out and show me how naive and vulnerable I can still be after all this time.

I don’t know why it bothers me as much as it does.  What the three of us shared together is nothing like what Master and I together have.  But it was that third piece that made it kind of nice.  But I don’t know if I could ever open my heart up again for that.

Either way, I hope by just writing this little bit, I’ll at least be able to sleep.  And that Master will read in the morning and maybe he can just talk with me about it.

Hi, I’m Lilikka and I have PTSD

I’m not quite sure if I’ve touched on it in this blog, but I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD due to the past abuse of my father and ex-husband.  What this generally means is that my past is a scary place for me, but it’s getting better.  I’ve discovered just how much better it’s gotten lately when I started catching up with people from my past and I was no longer reminded of the bad things.

I attribute a lot of my healing to Master.  Although we include physical punishments as part of our relationship, they aren’t the same as the abuse of the past.  And, truly, I don’t do much to deserve punishment.  There are the occasional upkeep spakings, to make sure that I’m used to feeling the sting of Master’s hand, but those, again, aren’t like the abuse at all.

Truly, I think I’ve come a long way from what I was when I started serving Master.  I was afraid to leave the house then, sure that at any moment, my father or ex-husband would come leaping out unseen and attack me.  But that’s the way it is with PTSD and all I can do is hope to continue conquering it.

A burden shared is a burden halved

Not that serving Master is a burden, but there are times I wish he did have a second submissive, if only because there are times I simply cannot be there for him in the capacity that he deserves.  Tonight is one of those nights.

In some ways, I really miss the short time that he had eni serving him.  It was a relief to know that, if I wasn’t able to give him the attention he needs due to circumstanced I can’t control, someone was there to attend to him in my absence.  Of course, things happened, and she wasn’t fit to serve him in the end.

But I feel a bit burnt out on everything.  At this point, I question if I even deserve to be because I can’t even carry out a simple request of Master’s.  And although he tells me to take care of my health before worrying about serving him, I can’t help but worry and come down on myself for not being able to do my duties.

Individual

Master and I have, lately, been doing this separately.  Not that we’re not spending time together, we’re just doing it in different ways.  I admit to having quite a number of co-dependency issues and the need to be around Master is strong, but I’ve been trying to see myself as an individual as well as Master’s pet.

Don’t get me wrong; I love identifying as his pet and his property.  It gives me a warm sensation in my heart.  But at the same time, I’m also an individual, something that Master strives to remind me of.  He doesn’t want me to lose my “self” while I serve him, as that would defeat the purpose.  He fell in love with me and he wants that same me around.

So while I miss doing everything with him, it’s nice to just be able to sit back and do something wholly for myself just because I’m able to.

HNT

I'm really, really happy with this picture. The graininess of the picture added with the darkness of the room really make it feel illicit and that's definitely a turn-on to me. It's not often that my self-shot pictures make me happy, so I'm going to revel in this one for sure.

A lot of people don't realize how much pain my body can take and how much of that pain, coming from the correct hands, feels really wonderful. And even though, in this case, the pain is coming from the clamps, they were applied by loving hands, so it's as if the hands are the cause of the pain. So this is also my kind of middle finger at certain parties from my past for not understanding my desire for pleasurable pain.

Broken Trust

I realize that I’ve broken bonds of trust between Master and myself.  He had trusted me to take my medication and take care of myself in his absence, and that’s not what I did.  So part of me feels that him coming back here is a failure on my part.  Because I could not do as he asked of me, he’s got to come fix the situation.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to fix this mistake and how I can re-earn everyone’s trust.  It’s not just Master, either.  Both my mother and my daughter suffered because I didn’t take my medication the way I was supposed to.  I guess the only thing left to do is to try and take my medication like I should now.  It’s getting easier to remember to take it: after breakfast and after dinner.

I fought a long time about my condition.  I don’t like to think of myself as having the problems that I do have, but I suppose it’s only natural, considering how I grew up and what I endured during my adult life.  But it’s still no excuse to destroy the trust I worked hard to earn.

OK, I admit it

I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I’m bi-polar.  It’s a fact that I’ve been fighting for 10+ years.  But after two hospital stays for nearly the same thing, I’ve got to face facts.  And the fact is that I need to stay on my medication, which I haven’t been taking like I should have for the past three months.

It’s the reason I’ve been withdrawn and the reason why I’ve been depressed.  I was in my low phase.  Now I feel myself swinging back up to a more manic-y phase, but I’ve got medication to deal with it now.  It’s funny because I’ve got both downers and uppers, but it’s what I need.

So hopefully my life will be back on track.  There was a time there I wasn’t even showering every day, more like once every week, as disgusting as that sounds.  But life goes on and I have to keep pushing forward.

Withdrawn

Lately, I've been withdrawing from people, including Master. It's gotten to the point that even my mother, who knows the nature of our relationship, has been asking if things are alright between the two of us. I think they are, but I can't really say for sure, because I've been so withdrawn.

I'm not even sure why I'm doing it, other than it's just the time of year. It's been nearly three years since I moved back to California and that always makes me think of the circumstances in which I moved out here.

Plus, it's been three years since I've had real life friends to hang out with. It feels like an eternity. I just want some platonic physical contact on a regular basis with friends. I think I just might curl up and die if I don't get any.

Meditation Monday

Today, I have served Master by showing interest in improving the skills I already possess. It's one thing to discover or work on new talents and quite another to hone ones that I've already realized I have. In doing so, I can serve Master more efficiently. Practice makes perfect, after all.

Tomorrow, I can further serve Master by trying something new. While it's good to stick with what one knows, it's also good to try new things. If I can expand my repertoire of knowledge or skills, I can be even more useful to Master and will continue to make his life easier.

One thing that can help with my servitude is never giving up. It's something I do far too often and far too quickly and it's something that definitely needs to change. By giving up too soon, I never reach the end goal and everything ends up a bigger mess than if I had never tried. But if I keep pushing and succeed, then that's all the better. Even if I fail, at least I had tried my best instead of giving in and never knowing.

My goal in serving Master is improve myself as a Jack-of-all-Trades. I like that I have the ability to do nearly anything I put my hand to. I don't necessarily have to be the best, but if I can push myself hard enough to do the best I can and improve my skills, then I'll be better off if I only had one or two skills I was really good at.

Through my service, I hope to learn how I can improve the lives of others while serving Master at the same time. I have a feeling that if I can be useful to people, they won't want to keep leaving me the way that they sometimes do.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was the joy I felt the first time I got to play hostess to a party. I was serving drinks and food and just doing things that I now associate with my service to Master. It just felt right and it's something that I've been chasing after ever since.

Irritation

Lately, every little thing irritates me. I don't know why except that I've had a migraine nearly every day this week so far and unpleasant pain makes me irritable. Some people think that masochists enjoy all kinds of pain. Speaking for myself, I can say this is not true.

Either way, I've found myself becoming irritated with things even Master says or does. He's not doing anything out of the ordinary or saying offensive things or the like, but I've caught myself from snapping at him at least once a day. Even with as irritated as I can get, I hope to be able to remember my place as his submissive.

Hopefully once I figure out the source of the headaches and they go away, all the irritability will end. If not, I have a lot of work ahead of me learning how to not be as irritated as I have been.

Meditation Monday

Today, I have served Master by starting to take my medication again. There's a reason it's prescribed to me and it only will increase my quality of life if I take it. It's not a bad thing to be free from depression, or as free as any person is able to. It's not a bad thing to have to take medication that will help ground me.

Tomorrow, I can further serve Master by trying to keep myself grounded. I have a tendency to want to run if the present becomes too much of the same thing. It's a terrible cycle I go through and I don't really know any way of breaking out of it. Every five years or so, I just have to become someone new, do something different. But that was usually because I was stuck in bad situations. With Master, I have a good life. It's a safe life.

One thing that can help with my servitude is keeping an open line of communication with Master. There are times when I get quiet and I don't tell him what's really on my mind. I don't want to tell him what to do or how to do it, so I say nothing. This isn't fair to him as Master nor to me as his submissive.

My goal in serving Master is to improve my own life in addition to Master's. I deserve to have a happy life and serving Master makes me happy.

Through my service, I hope to learn how to be happy with a safe life and to not feel the desire to run like I have in the past. I can feel it creeping up on me, but I hope that by serving Master, I will find a place I don't have to run from.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was the last time this feeling was upon me. I was in an unhappy marriage and just had a child that I wasn't sure I wanted. When I had a chance to meet Master, I jumped on it, taking a bus across the country and into another just to see him. I never would have imagined that I would have found such a positive piece of my life by running away. And part of that is what scares me so much about this feeling again. I know I have a good thing with Master, but part of me wonders what would happen if I pass this up and miss out on something greater?

I am no doormat

For some reason, people assume that because I'm submissive, that must mean I'm a pushover or that I enjoy being taken advantage of. I can see why people would assume this, but it's far from the truth in nearly every instance. I've not met a single submissive yet that likes to be treated that way by someone other than their Dom/me.

Let me state this clearly (though I doubt readers of this blog need to hear it): I am a submissive, but I am not YOUR submissive. You cannot tell me what to do and expect me to listen. You don't get to speak degradingly to me. I choose to submit to Master because he has earned it and you haven't.

I guess I'm just tired of people treating me like I'm less than a person because I choose to submit to Master. It's almost as if they feel I'm not worthy of their presence. And these people have the gall to call me "friend." I think it's time to purge these people from my life, especially if they continue to treat me this way. I deserve so much more.

Meditation Monday

Today, I have served Master by allowing myself to relax. I realize this might not sound like it's much service, but I've been truly happy all day, despite it being the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. For weeks, I've been dreading this day, not because it means I'm another year older, but because of the memories of the events from a few years ago.

So, instead of getting wrapped up in all that, I allowed myself to just enjoy, which meant I actually got out of bed instead of crying all day.

Tomorrow, I can further serve Master by getting back on track with my service. Today I was allowed a break and the true purpose for that was so that I could jump back into service to Master feeling refreshed and happy. If I am refreshed, I tend to perform better and that means I can only serve Master even better.

One thing that can help with my servitude is remembering that I serve Master and only him. I will no longer be guilt tripped or forced to help those that I don't feel is deserving of my services. Nor will I have to put up with people in the past who hurt me.

My goal in serving Master is to move past my past. A lot of it, like many young women these days, was filled with abuse, both from my father and my ex-husband. But if I only stay in the past, all that ends up happening is that I stay stuck as the shadow of a person I was. I am a strong woman and I need to keep that in mind.

Through my service, I hope to learn that those who hurt me can no longer get to me unless I let them. It's a rough lesson for me at times. I sometimes forget that I'm a strong woman.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was the first time I served Master a drink. It was completely natural and it felt right and it's only shown me that he is the one that I was meant to serve for the rest of my life, fates willing.

HNT

Not the best of shots, but it can't be helped as I have no one to assist me (pun unintended).

I happen to think I have a nice ass. Master agrees, but he is more of an ass man anyway and would probably still like it even if it wasn't so nice. Luckily, it is a nice ass, which helps when Master spanks me. It looks especially nice reddened after a few good smacks (which is probably an idea for a future HNT).

This probably won't be regular, at least not until Master is here permanently. Once he is, I would like to show off my body more often. I may be overweight, but I'm still one hot bitch <3

Meditation Monday

Today, I have served Master by performing my tasks to the best of my abilities, despite feeling sick and being frustrated with our daughter. I pride myself on constantly being able to serve him despite the adversities that pop up in my life. It's certainly not always possible, but more often than not, I am able to perform well.

Tomorrow, I can further serve Master by continuing to improve my thinking. Things have been quite negative lately and I've found that I've been quite caught up in all of it. By re-learning to think positively, I can perform better for Master by simply being in a better mood.

One thing that can help with my servitude is by never backing down, even when my service to Master makes people uncomfortable. Truly, I'm not doing it to make them uncomfortable, but rather because serving Master is what I choose to do with my life and it shouldn't matter what others outside of our relationship feel about it.

My goal in serving Master is to make Master's life easier. If I can even make Master's life a fraction of a percent easier, I'm doing my job well. He is the only one that I've ever found that even is deserving of my service, so I will continue to serve him.

Through my service, I hope to learn how to be a stronger woman. Sometimes I forget that, while I am a submissive, I'm Master's submissive, no one else's. There are times when I find myself shying away instead of being the strong woman I know I can be. It may seem strange, but by serving Master, it shows me how strong I can be. After all, if I can do for someone else, I can do for myself.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was my birthday three years ago.