Thursday, March 11, 2010

Hi, I’m Lilikka and I have PTSD

I’m not quite sure if I’ve touched on it in this blog, but I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD due to the past abuse of my father and ex-husband.  What this generally means is that my past is a scary place for me, but it’s getting better.  I’ve discovered just how much better it’s gotten lately when I started catching up with people from my past and I was no longer reminded of the bad things.

I attribute a lot of my healing to Master.  Although we include physical punishments as part of our relationship, they aren’t the same as the abuse of the past.  And, truly, I don’t do much to deserve punishment.  There are the occasional upkeep spakings, to make sure that I’m used to feeling the sting of Master’s hand, but those, again, aren’t like the abuse at all.

Truly, I think I’ve come a long way from what I was when I started serving Master.  I was afraid to leave the house then, sure that at any moment, my father or ex-husband would come leaping out unseen and attack me.  But that’s the way it is with PTSD and all I can do is hope to continue conquering it.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A burden shared is a burden halved

Not that serving Master is a burden, but there are times I wish he did have a second submissive, if only because there are times I simply cannot be there for him in the capacity that he deserves.  Tonight is one of those nights.

In some ways, I really miss the short time that he had eni serving him.  It was a relief to know that, if I wasn’t able to give him the attention he needs due to circumstanced I can’t control, someone was there to attend to him in my absence.  Of course, things happened, and she wasn’t fit to serve him in the end.

But I feel a bit burnt out on everything.  At this point, I question if I even deserve to be because I can’t even carry out a simple request of Master’s.  And although he tells me to take care of my health before worrying about serving him, I can’t help but worry and come down on myself for not being able to do my duties.