Wednesday, June 30, 2010

One thing I have often expressed a desire to Akri is the fact that I love the idea of him having a second submissive.  The thought of a “submissive sister” of sorts has all kinds of appeal to me, not just sexually, but emotionally as well.  And, by serving the same Master, we’d be stronger together than we’d ever be apart.

And the fact that Master believes he’s found someone he’s not only willing but extremely desiring of making a second submissive is making me all kinds of giddy.  He’s talked about this woman many times to me before but last night was the first time he approached the subject of her becoming a possible submissive.  After the eni affair, we’re both pretty skittish to try this again, but with her, it feels different.

Perhaps this is me just jumping headfirst into something without looking, but I tend to do that when I love someone or something.  I love fast and I love strong.  It’s a part of my nature that is probably the most positive thing to ever come out of my PTSD.

But I’m willing to jump.  For Akri.  For her.  And for me.

Monday, June 28, 2010

One down, six to go

I have been very wrath filled lately.  That’s a nice, sinful word for it.  I have been so tense that I’m likely to explode from all the pent up anger.  And all the anger is leading me to have a ton of problems with everyone.  I’m being triggered left and right and the slightest provocation will set me off.

Just the act of losing my cellphone today and my grandma yelling at me about it caused me to lose my shit.  I mean, does she think she pays for it?  Because she doesn’t.  And what business is it of hers if I lose something? Especially when she loses things all the time.

But I guess this is just all the stress the family is under because of my shithead of a brother.  Wherever he goes, chaos follows and not in the fun kind of way.  And with him coming back to town, I’m likely to go insane over all this.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


I’ve been intending to write for a while now, but what I wanted to write just hasn’t been coming out.  So in an attempt to get that jump started, I’m just going to write what comes to mind.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with many issues regarding myself and my self image.  I don’t even know if self image is the word I want.  Self perception?  I’m not sure.  But I know I’ve been changing.  And that tends to cause me to do too much thinking than is probably good for me.  But this can also be a good thing, because then I become more comfortable with who I am.  And I want to be comfortable with myself.

Lately, I’ve started realizing that I’m more polyromantic than I thought.  At the very least, I have a huge crush on someone that is not Akri.  And I’m ok with that.  And he’s ok with that.  And it’s kind of a wonderful thing being able to share my affection with many people.

And I’ve started calling him Akri more and Master less.  I wonder why that is.  He is still my Master, but the term Akri seems to fit so much better, even if it’s technically not a “real” word.  It’s what works for us.

I also think I’m quite a bit more dominating than I let myself be.  I think I’m only so submissive to others but him is because that’s all I know.  But if I had my way, I’d be the one in charge.

Friday, June 18, 2010


Things have been kind of rough for me lately, submission-wise.  I think I really need a mentor, someone I can turn to when I’m lost and don’t know what else I can do to further my submission to Master.  The places I’ve turned to haven’t exactly been helpful.  Mostly, I’ve been ignored.  And that kind of huts.  Well, it really hurts.

And today, I’ve probably done the worst thing I’ve ever done as Master’s submissive: I cursed and yelled at him.  I was hurting emotionally at the time, but that’s no excuse.  I have broken rules and that needs to be punished.  It scares me in a sense because I’ve never done anything so severe like this that I think I actually disappointed Master.

But at the same time, it kind of helps me realize that I am still his submissive.  And that’s a start towards getting it to stick in my head.  I just wish I didn’t have to be so damn stubborn as to go and do something stupid like I did to learn the lesson.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Pull the Trigger: Bang Bang

When it comes to housework, Master doesn’t push me too hard.  I keep the house tidy, but not immaculate.  After all, we’ve got a child living in the house.  But I think even if we didn’t, he wouldn’t be too pushy about it, because he knows that’s one of my triggers.

To put it bluntly, having PTSD sucks.  The most innocent of comments, like the one my landlord made yesterday during inspection, can send me careening into an onslaught of flashbacks.  It wasn’t even a rude comment, just “Oh, you’ve got some dust here and the oven needs cleaning.”

But the problem is, with my father, it was never just innocent comments.  If that stuff didn’t get done, you can be sure there’d be beatings in the future.  I always felt the need to be perfect, and it remains in me a bit to this day, I think.  It’s why I apologize to everyone so much; I’m sorry just to be me some days.

Master is helping me through this.  Some days, I half expect him to tell me that the phrase “I’m sorry” just doesn’t exist for me anymore unless it’s for an actual reason.  Some days, I kind of wish he would.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


In an effort to find myself again, Master and I have been discussing rules and protocol, as things have been rather lax between us.  Things I was supposed to have been doing, such as writing here every day, had fallen by the wayside, replaced with laziness and general meh.

As such, things are going to change.  I’m going to become the submissive that Master and I both want me to be.  The quiet, demure submissive that is admired from afar.  Master’s beautiful plaything that he allows others to view, perhaps to touch if it’s his desire.

The very idea of this appeals to me on such a base level, as if it’s an instrumental part of my being.  Without it, I’ll simply exist and not truly live.  I hope it’s not too difficult to sort out after all this time.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

BASE Jumping

Today, I put myself out there.  Took a leap of faith.  Trusted in the faith others had in me.  And it showed me something.  Faith isn’t just something that one can have about the universe at large or even smaller phenomena.  I can have faith in myself.

It might be weird of me to not have known this, but when you realize I was constantly told how useless I was since birth, I never really put much thought into really believing in myself.  After all, even being born, I was a mistake.  I wasn’t my older sister who died and never had a chance at life.  I wasn’t the son my father wanted.

But none of that matters now.  I am Lilikka.  A strong woman.  Yes, I have many problems that I still need to work through and I’m sure that I’ll even falter in feeling as strong as I do right now, but this is testament to the fact that I am capable.  I just need to take that first step off the cliff and trust in myself that I’ll make it down safely.

Monday, June 7, 2010


I’ve always tried to fit in wherever I was, but it seems I just can’t find a home, whether it’s in real life or online.  I moved around a lot as a child and, now that I’m an adult, I feel unsettled living in the same house for nearly three years.

And don’t get me started with my online homes.  In the beginning, I had a place I belonged.  A place I was respected, loved, to some degree worshipped.  And I miss that feeling in more ways than one.  I felt like I mattered.  Now?  I could disappear for weeks at a time and no one really comments too much on it.

Ever since then, I’ve been hunting for a place where I can be accepted for me, welcomed, loved.  Even on my own blog, I feel uneasy.  Like I can’t be myself because someone who knows me might come across it and then start to judge me because of the things I say.  After all, this is a public space and if I didn’t truly want people knowing my feelings, I wouldn’t publish it where anyone could have access to it.

And even with Master, I don’t completely feel at home.  A lot of that has to do with my own feelings of inadequacy at being his submissive.  I’ve never done this before and he’s had much more experience than me and what if I can’t please him how he wants to be pleased?

Perhaps all this is just attention-seeking behavior, though.  Maybe it’s best to ignore it and pay no mind to it at all.