Sunday, January 31, 2010


Lately, I've been withdrawing from people, including Master. It's gotten to the point that even my mother, who knows the nature of our relationship, has been asking if things are alright between the two of us. I think they are, but I can't really say for sure, because I've been so withdrawn.

I'm not even sure why I'm doing it, other than it's just the time of year. It's been nearly three years since I moved back to California and that always makes me think of the circumstances in which I moved out here.

Plus, it's been three years since I've had real life friends to hang out with. It feels like an eternity. I just want some platonic physical contact on a regular basis with friends. I think I just might curl up and die if I don't get any.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Meditation Monday

Today, I have served Master by showing interest in improving the skills I already possess. It's one thing to discover or work on new talents and quite another to hone ones that I've already realized I have. In doing so, I can serve Master more efficiently. Practice makes perfect, after all.

Tomorrow, I can further serve Master by trying something new. While it's good to stick with what one knows, it's also good to try new things. If I can expand my repertoire of knowledge or skills, I can be even more useful to Master and will continue to make his life easier.

One thing that can help with my servitude is never giving up. It's something I do far too often and far too quickly and it's something that definitely needs to change. By giving up too soon, I never reach the end goal and everything ends up a bigger mess than if I had never tried. But if I keep pushing and succeed, then that's all the better. Even if I fail, at least I had tried my best instead of giving in and never knowing.

My goal in serving Master is improve myself as a Jack-of-all-Trades. I like that I have the ability to do nearly anything I put my hand to. I don't necessarily have to be the best, but if I can push myself hard enough to do the best I can and improve my skills, then I'll be better off if I only had one or two skills I was really good at.

Through my service, I hope to learn how I can improve the lives of others while serving Master at the same time. I have a feeling that if I can be useful to people, they won't want to keep leaving me the way that they sometimes do.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was the joy I felt the first time I got to play hostess to a party. I was serving drinks and food and just doing things that I now associate with my service to Master. It just felt right and it's something that I've been chasing after ever since.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Lately, every little thing irritates me. I don't know why except that I've had a migraine nearly every day this week so far and unpleasant pain makes me irritable. Some people think that masochists enjoy all kinds of pain. Speaking for myself, I can say this is not true.

Either way, I've found myself becoming irritated with things even Master says or does. He's not doing anything out of the ordinary or saying offensive things or the like, but I've caught myself from snapping at him at least once a day. Even with as irritated as I can get, I hope to be able to remember my place as his submissive.

Hopefully once I figure out the source of the headaches and they go away, all the irritability will end. If not, I have a lot of work ahead of me learning how to not be as irritated as I have been.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Meditation Monday

Today, I have served Master by starting to take my medication again. There's a reason it's prescribed to me and it only will increase my quality of life if I take it. It's not a bad thing to be free from depression, or as free as any person is able to. It's not a bad thing to have to take medication that will help ground me.

Tomorrow, I can further serve Master by trying to keep myself grounded. I have a tendency to want to run if the present becomes too much of the same thing. It's a terrible cycle I go through and I don't really know any way of breaking out of it. Every five years or so, I just have to become someone new, do something different. But that was usually because I was stuck in bad situations. With Master, I have a good life. It's a safe life.

One thing that can help with my servitude is keeping an open line of communication with Master. There are times when I get quiet and I don't tell him what's really on my mind. I don't want to tell him what to do or how to do it, so I say nothing. This isn't fair to him as Master nor to me as his submissive.

My goal in serving Master is to improve my own life in addition to Master's. I deserve to have a happy life and serving Master makes me happy.

Through my service, I hope to learn how to be happy with a safe life and to not feel the desire to run like I have in the past. I can feel it creeping up on me, but I hope that by serving Master, I will find a place I don't have to run from.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was the last time this feeling was upon me. I was in an unhappy marriage and just had a child that I wasn't sure I wanted. When I had a chance to meet Master, I jumped on it, taking a bus across the country and into another just to see him. I never would have imagined that I would have found such a positive piece of my life by running away. And part of that is what scares me so much about this feeling again. I know I have a good thing with Master, but part of me wonders what would happen if I pass this up and miss out on something greater?

Friday, January 15, 2010

I am no doormat

For some reason, people assume that because I'm submissive, that must mean I'm a pushover or that I enjoy being taken advantage of. I can see why people would assume this, but it's far from the truth in nearly every instance. I've not met a single submissive yet that likes to be treated that way by someone other than their Dom/me.

Let me state this clearly (though I doubt readers of this blog need to hear it): I am a submissive, but I am not YOUR submissive. You cannot tell me what to do and expect me to listen. You don't get to speak degradingly to me. I choose to submit to Master because he has earned it and you haven't.

I guess I'm just tired of people treating me like I'm less than a person because I choose to submit to Master. It's almost as if they feel I'm not worthy of their presence. And these people have the gall to call me "friend." I think it's time to purge these people from my life, especially if they continue to treat me this way. I deserve so much more.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Meditation Monday

Today, I have served Master by allowing myself to relax. I realize this might not sound like it's much service, but I've been truly happy all day, despite it being the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. For weeks, I've been dreading this day, not because it means I'm another year older, but because of the memories of the events from a few years ago.

So, instead of getting wrapped up in all that, I allowed myself to just enjoy, which meant I actually got out of bed instead of crying all day.

Tomorrow, I can further serve Master by getting back on track with my service. Today I was allowed a break and the true purpose for that was so that I could jump back into service to Master feeling refreshed and happy. If I am refreshed, I tend to perform better and that means I can only serve Master even better.

One thing that can help with my servitude is remembering that I serve Master and only him. I will no longer be guilt tripped or forced to help those that I don't feel is deserving of my services. Nor will I have to put up with people in the past who hurt me.

My goal in serving Master is to move past my past. A lot of it, like many young women these days, was filled with abuse, both from my father and my ex-husband. But if I only stay in the past, all that ends up happening is that I stay stuck as the shadow of a person I was. I am a strong woman and I need to keep that in mind.

Through my service, I hope to learn that those who hurt me can no longer get to me unless I let them. It's a rough lesson for me at times. I sometimes forget that I'm a strong woman.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was the first time I served Master a drink. It was completely natural and it felt right and it's only shown me that he is the one that I was meant to serve for the rest of my life, fates willing.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Not the best of shots, but it can't be helped as I have no one to assist me (pun unintended).

I happen to think I have a nice ass. Master agrees, but he is more of an ass man anyway and would probably still like it even if it wasn't so nice. Luckily, it is a nice ass, which helps when Master spanks me. It looks especially nice reddened after a few good smacks (which is probably an idea for a future HNT).

This probably won't be regular, at least not until Master is here permanently. Once he is, I would like to show off my body more often. I may be overweight, but I'm still one hot bitch <3

Monday, January 4, 2010

Meditation Monday

Today, I have served Master by performing my tasks to the best of my abilities, despite feeling sick and being frustrated with our daughter. I pride myself on constantly being able to serve him despite the adversities that pop up in my life. It's certainly not always possible, but more often than not, I am able to perform well.

Tomorrow, I can further serve Master by continuing to improve my thinking. Things have been quite negative lately and I've found that I've been quite caught up in all of it. By re-learning to think positively, I can perform better for Master by simply being in a better mood.

One thing that can help with my servitude is by never backing down, even when my service to Master makes people uncomfortable. Truly, I'm not doing it to make them uncomfortable, but rather because serving Master is what I choose to do with my life and it shouldn't matter what others outside of our relationship feel about it.

My goal in serving Master is to make Master's life easier. If I can even make Master's life a fraction of a percent easier, I'm doing my job well. He is the only one that I've ever found that even is deserving of my service, so I will continue to serve him.

Through my service, I hope to learn how to be a stronger woman. Sometimes I forget that, while I am a submissive, I'm Master's submissive, no one else's. There are times when I find myself shying away instead of being the strong woman I know I can be. It may seem strange, but by serving Master, it shows me how strong I can be. After all, if I can do for someone else, I can do for myself.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was my birthday three years ago.