Saturday, July 31, 2010
I know I've hurt people because of what I am. I can't help it. I try to make myself seem as unattractive as possible, just to avoid certain situations. I wish it would work more often than it does.
Friday, July 30, 2010
But it’s been 24 hours and there’s been no response to my generous offer. Now, I’m a forgiving demon, but there is a limit to my forgiveness. Especially when, on day one of meeting this person, she’s trying to dictate what I do or don’t do with my daughter.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this other than to expel anger at the situation. And, quite possibly, hoping the parties responsible for the anger will read this and realize that they’ve fucked with the wrong bitch.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I’ve come to realize that, in a lot of ways, I’m a bad person. But I’m OK with this. I like who I am. I like what I’ve become. Life is certainly more interesting this way, at the very least. And it’s not like I don’t have those who love me for exactly what I am.
But I realize I’m not the powerless and weak little girl that others have tried to force me to be my whole life. I realize they kept me down because they were scared. Scared of what I was, of what I would become. And if it sounds narcissistic of me, then I’ll gladly claim that title.
The last few days have helped me more therapeutically than the last few years have. And I have to thank the losers from my past for that. So enjoy it while I flip you the bird and smile.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Sometimes I wonder if my life is a dream that I’m going to wake from. At times, that dream is a nightmare and I beg to wake up. Sometimes it’s a good dream and I don’t want to wake up. But no matter what, there is definitely a dream-like quality to all of my actions and the things that happen around me. Perhaps it’s because I feel more spiritually connected to a different plane of existence than the one here on Earth.
Because, honestly, I’m curious as to why so many people whose spirits I feel hail from Earth are so… I’m not sure how to describe it. But they’re vulgar. Or self-obsessed. I don’t know. Maybe I’m coming across like I feel I’m better than them. Or maybe it’s just the feeling I got after reading something today written by a certain someone. It was pretty disgusting. And misogynistic. And just gross.
I don’t know. I’m tired and not thinking too well today. Or maybe I’m thinking too much. Or thinking better than I ought to for the situation. I don’t know.
Monday, July 19, 2010
The stress has been much better managed over the past few days. Between talking with Akri and Morika about everything and us just all relaxing with each other and it all feels really wonderful to have such love around me.
That’s something that I’m still learning to do and something that I’ve been trying to help Morika with as well. To learn that it’s not what people who don’t love you say that matters. It’s a hard lesson to learn. But it’s been well worth it for Akri to guide me through those rough times. And it’s nice to be able to turn around and help someone else through that as well.
This little family that we’re building around us is truly a beautiful thing. Things have never felt so complete in my life, even when they are rough. As long as I’ve got my little bird and my Akri, things are great.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
I’m not sure I even wrote yesterday like I was supposed to. Akri said that was OK, but I feel bad about it. I have been under so much stress lately that it’s really mind boggling that I’m even able to do anything at all.
I’ve been having a really difficult time with my bipolar lately. It’s swinging down, so I’ve naturally been pretty depressed and feeling down. As I’m sure can be witnessed by my entries here.
One thing that constantly can make me feel better, however, is writing. It allows me an escape into my own world, one that I’ve seen in my head and been to in my dreams. Perhaps even in spirit. I’m kind of afraid to get all my spiritual thoughts out in a public place because they might be so bizarre that people would think me strange. And being judged for my beliefs is definitely a trigger of mine.
So I’ll keep them to myself and Akri for now.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Today, Akri allowed me to have a quiet day to myself. To allow me to analyze things and just get away from all the noise that occurs outside my head. It was amazing. I think it’s something that I might request more often, because it’s done me a world of good for both my self-esteem, my productivity and my outlook.
I also discovered that Akri and Morika are muses to me. Between the two of them, I’ve actually written more fiction in a single day than I have over the past few years. It’s really quite amazing and I cannot wait to share my stories with the world.
So tonight I go to bed happy, which is very different than things have been in a very, very long time.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I know Akri doesn’t like me to describe myself as such, but this is how I feel tonight. Defective. Broken. I feel like if only I could be more intimate with those that I’m currently in relationships with that it would fix all that. But part of me is so scared because I’m not feeling very sensual or sexual at the moment.
So, I feel as if there’s something majorly wrong with me. And perhaps there is. I mean, I’m a frakkin succubus. This should be a natural thing for me. So it’s got me thinking that there’s all kinds of things wrong with me. Like I don’t even know my identity anymore.
Maybe this is just a difficult time in my life right now. It shouldn’t be. So many things are going right. So why does it feel like everything is falling apart?
Monday, July 12, 2010
I don’t like admitting I’m wrong and I like to admit that Akri can be wrong even less. In my eyes, he’s like a deity, though I know it’s unfair to put that much pressure on his shoulders. But he made a mistake in my training regimen and we’re now trying to find a way to fix it.
As part of my daily schedule, I was to masturbate twice a day at scheduled times. This has lead to masturbation and anything sexual feeling absolutely mechanical to me. Sure, I get wet when stimulated, but I just cannot come. I’ve tried it while watching porn, while reading erotica, while fantasizing, but nothing seems to work.
Mostly, this has left me feeling frustrated and embarrassed. I can go through the motions, but can’t actually just reach the goal. If I could just capture that again, I think things would work out so much better for me. Not that things are bad right now. But they’d be better if I could be the fully-actualized succubus self that I know I am.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
All nerdities aside, I pushed through and just conquered a trigger. At least I hope so. It’s impossible to know for sure if it will come up again in the future, but I think I have this one licked. And I’m proud of myself for that. Since struggling with PTSD most of my life, I’ve been unable to do anything remotely like that.
But now, I see things for how they truly are. And it’s amazing how I couldn’t see these things before. I’m being vague intentionally here since I don’t want to have to explain things too much. My blog, my thoughts.
Either way, I’m happy with how things have worked out today. I know I’m a better person for it.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I’ve been reading Mira Grant’s Feed. It makes me wish that, in some ways, the world were a bit like that. At least the blogosphere. And minus the zombies. I want to be seen as a credible writer in some field. It’s interesting to get my own thoughts out on “paper,” but it would be great to kind of report the news as it happens around me.
I suppose I could do just that, but I’m not much of an anybody. I could make myself to be a somebody, but I’m not sure how to go about doing that.
But really, I want to be somebody. More than just in the eyes of those I love and who love me, because I know I’m somebody to them. And I am grateful for that. But to be seen as somebody who doesn’t even know me? That would be an amazing feat for me.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
My relationship with Akri isn’t perfect. Does this surprise you? It shouldn’t. We’re much like any other couple. And with my mental disorders, it only makes things more difficult because I purposely try and push everyone away. But in the moments when my emotions aren’t on overload, I can think clearly and know what I need to change in order to make this better for both of us.
As Akri’s submissive, things need to be more difficult for me. Especially now that we have Morika with us as well. As the alpha, I ought to be held to a higher standard. This is something that I want personally, not just because the situation has changed. I think I would have desired it regardless. I say this so our little bird doesn’t think it’s because of her and take it upon herself to feel guilty.
I would also like more opportunities to be sensual versus being sexual. Because I’m a succubus, I tend to be seen only as a sexual creature and that disturbs me slightly. I want to get in tune with the side of me that desires the touches, the kisses, the holding, but not necessarily the sex.
Part of me wants to feel so owned that it appears Akri has no care for my well-being. I know he does and I will always know that, but there’s something about the need to be used in every way possible that Akri could think of. It’s such a base need of mine that it’s almost embarrassing how much I need it. But I do need it. I need that feeling of being owned and that I’m nothing but what Akri says I am.
I normally wouldn’t be talking about what I want, but Akri insisted. I really think what should change should be up to him with minimal input from me. But he wants my input and he is Akri, so he will get my input.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I don’t know really what to say other than I feel like all I’m going to do is bring others down. It’s when I get like this that I start to resent the love given to me. And it’s when I’m like this that I start losing everyone I love. I have no one to blame but myself because I push them away.
Change is inevitable. Life cannot be static and, if it were, I think everyone would get bored with that. But sometimes that change comes so suddenly that it leaves you in a tailspin.
And that’s where I’m at right now. Things were comfortable how they were, but then my brother was coming back into our lives. That alone would have been enough to throw me around a bit, but when he pulled the stunt he pulled…it’s just too much for me.
I feel like pulling back from everyone again. Just separating myself from everyone and everything until I can get myself sorted out. But I know that’s no good. I need to be a part of life and let life be a part of me.
Monday, July 5, 2010
I’m not a big believer in the Bible. I think there are quite a few good ideas in the book, such as don’t kill, don’t steal, and the like. However, for the most part, what’s in there seems a bit silly to me. Except the parts about Love and the way it’s viewed. And I’m lucky enough to be feeling all three forms of Love at the same time.
I am in love with Love, as silly and naive as that sounds. To me, it’s the most pure and forceful of emotions and it’s caused me to have more breakdowns than all my fits of anger combined. But I think that it’s because of the pureness of the emotions that I get wrapped up like that.
I consider myself highly Empathic in more of a psychic sense and less of a mundane sense. I can manipulate emotions in others as well as immediately pick up on them. Perhaps that’s why Love affects me so much. It’s the one emotion I can’t manipulate, especially in myself.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this morning. I’m not the same woman I was five years ago. Which is nearly the last time I have spoken in great length to some people, particularly people I’ve been reconnecting with. And I think I’m likely to surprise more than a few people. Of course, I expect to receive my own surprises as well.
In particular, I often wonder what others would think about the fact that I’m in a poly relationship with another woman as well as Akri, who I left my ex-husband to be with. I’m not sure if my friends are aware it’s the same man at all. Either way, I don’t particularly care what they think. I love Akri and there’s no way I’m leaving him because of what others think. Nor will I abandon Morika because it upsets the sensibilities of others.
I told Akri and Morika that our relationship is a lot like the Triforce from The Legend of Zelda. Without one of us, the whole is weaker. And that just feels so perfect to me.