Elitist

I have a feeling I’ve been kind of snobbish lately.  Not outwardly, but in my head.  I read something that an ex-friend had written and I immediately thought “wow, I’m better than you.”  I don’t know when I turned out like that.  I don’t even know if it’s necessarily a bad thing.

I mean, sure.  It’s not a good thing to be too elitist.  But I also don’t believe all people are equal.  Some people are either destined for bigger things or just handle things in a better way than others.  That doesn’t mean there’s a single individual who is better than everyone.  While someone may be better in one area, they will fall behind in others.  For example, although I’m a better writer than, say, said ex-friend, I also cannot draw as well as them.

Who knows.  Perhaps I’m just having “realizations of grandeur” tonight.  I don’t always recognize that I’m an awesome person, though I know I must be because people who I feel are QUALITY PEOPLE think I am.  It’s amazing what some self-confidence will do.

Irritants

I have been terribly irritated lately.  Between the heat and the self-doubt, it’s all starting to feel like a bit much.  Minor things have started to bug me, such as the way people address me.  I feel silly calling people out on it, so I don’t say anything, but in my mind, I kind of stew about it.

Mostly I think I’m irritated at myself.  I’ve finally started in on the public release of our Hellion project.  If you’re interested, you can read more here if you’re truly interested in my prose.  It’s nothing fancy and nothing too risqué (that would be over on FetLife, since I’m not 100% sure on deviantArt’s policies regarding sex scenes).

Part of me wishes that I were a better writer.  That’s what makes me so irritated about all of this.  I cannot get the correct words out that I wish to say, though at the same time, I know that the only way to become a stronger writer is to continue to write.

The problem becomes that I love my writing right off the bat, but the more I re-read it, I think it’s terrible.  Even this blog entry was rewritten three or four times before I had to stop myself from deleting and just push the publish button.

I’m sure this will all pass.  I know the weariness of last week certainly has, so this irritation can’t last too much longer.  Perhaps if I can get Akri’s permission to reach an orgasm tonight, that will help…

Can I stop now?

This past week has been insanely busy.  I haven’t even had time to blog.  Well, I suppose I have, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take the time.  I wouldn’t know what to write.  Don’t even know what to write now.

Some thoughts:

• My daughter started school on Monday.  That’s taken some getting used to.  I don’t know what else to say about that other than it’s left us busier than normal. Especially when I thought I’d have more time to do things.
• I have been feeling so… unappealing lately.  But at the same time, the idea of sex is a turnoff to me right now.  What is wrong with me?
• I’m tired of being the one people come to when they feel like bitching.  I just want to be left alone.

Meh.

No more

I have changed a lot in the past few years. So much so that I often wonder if my old friends would even recognize me these days. I don't think they seem to, really. But really, who cares? It just really amazes me that I'm nearly a different person now than five years ago.

The way I dress is slightly different. I'm still in mostly T-shirts and jeans, but those jeans aren't ripped hand-me-downs from my husband. I actually have new clothes, which is something that my ex never saw fit to get for me.

The music I listen to is very different. I rarely listen to Japanese bands these days, instead choosing more diverse music. I've gotten back into older bands that I used to enjoy and, likewise, I've discovered music that a certain Music Nazi wouldn't approve of at all. And I've even started singing again, which has increased my moods greatly.

Alright, so this post is mostly about how shitty my ex treated me. I never get to vent about it, not really. So I'm doing it now. I need to get it off my chest, since I think it's the last thing I really need to move past everything. I was treated poorly, but now things are much better. And I'm so glad for that.

Truth

Last night, I decided to truthfully answers any and all questions that were directed my way. There weren't many coming from outside Akri and Morika, which I consider to be private, though I will recap what was asked publicly. I'm actually surprised there weren't more questions, honestly. I suppose people prefer me to be an enigma.

Why do you want to be a submissive succubi?

As much as I would like to say it's in my nature to be submissive, I'm finding more and more that it's not. However, with Akri, my submission is just a fact of life. Much like breathing, it's something that I cannot do without, nor do I think twice about it.

If money were no object, what is the one thing that would be most important to you to do?

My family. Even when money is tight, I would do anything I can to make sure that you all are taken care of.

When was the moment that Alpha fell in love with Akri?

I fell in love with Akri the first time we played Ragnarok Online together and he sat down to talk to me.

What is the most attractive attribute of your mate that drives you wild for him/her?

You forgot an s there ;)

I love their passion for life. Both Akri and Morika have this indescribable spark in them that drives me wild. When the three of us are together, I feel as if the world could fall apart around me and I wouldn't care at all.

Where were you born?

California.

Was there anything that you were worried about the first time we were about to become naked?

Well, possibly that you would be turned off by the scars on my body, particularly by the c-section scar. I know that I personally loath it, so don't know why you wouldn't. I was pleasantly surprised that it didn't bother you at all, Akri.

If you had the chance to turn back time, would you change anything about your past?

Anyone who knows me probably already knows the answer to this: I would take back getting married. Looking back on it now, I got married for all the wrong reasons. I felt pressured into it. I didn't truly want to, even at the time. I remember crying to my mother about it the morning of the "wedding" and her trying to convince me it was just normal jitters.

Obviously it wasn't, but that's besides the point.

What were you thinking about right before you kissed me for the first time?

I was wondering how soft your lips were going to be. Once I felt them, though, I wanted more and never wanted my lips to be separated from yours.

What is your ultimate sexual fantasy?

This is difficult, because I have many sexual fantasies. So many that I'm not sure which I can label as "the ultimate." One of my fantasies is to have Akri completely dominate Morika and I, telling us exactly what to do, how to do it. Perhaps there's rope or chains or stocks involved. Perhaps it's just a vanilla scene. Either way, it's a turn-on to think about how dominating he can be towards us.

Dear fake ass bitches,

I'm tired of you saying one thing to my face and me finding out you've said another behind my back. Tired of how one can defend someone so obviously worthless. Just consider this friendship at an end now. I'll be the bad guy, I don't give a shit.

I do consider what was done to me the final knife in the back. I put up with it for too long and I don't have to take it any longer. If that makes me a bad friend, I'll be that, too. I'll be whatever you want to call me. And I'll be it proudly, if only to get away from you.

If you don't feel this is aimed at you, it's probably not. If, however, something reminds you of yourself? Yeah, totally aimed at you.

No love or time for bitches,
Lilikka