Sunday, February 28, 2010


Master and I have, lately, been doing this separately.  Not that we’re not spending time together, we’re just doing it in different ways.  I admit to having quite a number of co-dependency issues and the need to be around Master is strong, but I’ve been trying to see myself as an individual as well as Master’s pet.

Don’t get me wrong; I love identifying as his pet and his property.  It gives me a warm sensation in my heart.  But at the same time, I’m also an individual, something that Master strives to remind me of.  He doesn’t want me to lose my “self” while I serve him, as that would defeat the purpose.  He fell in love with me and he wants that same me around.

So while I miss doing everything with him, it’s nice to just be able to sit back and do something wholly for myself just because I’m able to.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


I'm really, really happy with this picture. The graininess of the picture added with the darkness of the room really make it feel illicit and that's definitely a turn-on to me. It's not often that my self-shot pictures make me happy, so I'm going to revel in this one for sure.

A lot of people don't realize how much pain my body can take and how much of that pain, coming from the correct hands, feels really wonderful. And even though, in this case, the pain is coming from the clamps, they were applied by loving hands, so it's as if the hands are the cause of the pain. So this is also my kind of middle finger at certain parties from my past for not understanding my desire for pleasurable pain.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Broken Trust

I realize that I’ve broken bonds of trust between Master and myself.  He had trusted me to take my medication and take care of myself in his absence, and that’s not what I did.  So part of me feels that him coming back here is a failure on my part.  Because I could not do as he asked of me, he’s got to come fix the situation.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to fix this mistake and how I can re-earn everyone’s trust.  It’s not just Master, either.  Both my mother and my daughter suffered because I didn’t take my medication the way I was supposed to.  I guess the only thing left to do is to try and take my medication like I should now.  It’s getting easier to remember to take it: after breakfast and after dinner.

I fought a long time about my condition.  I don’t like to think of myself as having the problems that I do have, but I suppose it’s only natural, considering how I grew up and what I endured during my adult life.  But it’s still no excuse to destroy the trust I worked hard to earn.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

OK, I admit it

I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I’m bi-polar.  It’s a fact that I’ve been fighting for 10+ years.  But after two hospital stays for nearly the same thing, I’ve got to face facts.  And the fact is that I need to stay on my medication, which I haven’t been taking like I should have for the past three months.

It’s the reason I’ve been withdrawn and the reason why I’ve been depressed.  I was in my low phase.  Now I feel myself swinging back up to a more manic-y phase, but I’ve got medication to deal with it now.  It’s funny because I’ve got both downers and uppers, but it’s what I need.

So hopefully my life will be back on track.  There was a time there I wasn’t even showering every day, more like once every week, as disgusting as that sounds.  But life goes on and I have to keep pushing forward.