And that’s all I have to say about that.

Thinking of moving blogs to a new place.  Feel like I need a fresh start.  But first, I have something to get off my chest.

Everyone who is friends with my ex is a dumbass.  Each and every one of you.  Sure, he might not have done anything to you personally, but he’s kept secrets.  Like from you, Kitten.  He had sex with your (at the time) under age cousin in the pool bathroom at your mother’s house.

Oh, and he sexually molested my daughter.

I don’t care if none of you believe me or want to chalk it up to bitterness of the break up.  But that’s exactly what she told me.  “He touched my girl parts and made me lay on my stomach while he put something up my butt.”  Children don’t make up shit like that at two years old, which is how old she was when she first told me.

So fuck each and every one of you for thinking he’s a good friend.  Fuck you for asking me to help that child molester out.  Oh, and fuck you for ruining my fun when his Facebook account was “hacked” (because he had been using the same password for his account since I left him).  It’s no less than what he is, after all.  I hope you all read this and feel as bad as you made me feel by asking me to HELP him.

Fuck you.

Community

I’ve tried for years to feel like I was connected to something bigger than myself.  But try as I might, I continue to feel like an outcast.  I’m not quite sure why that is, though.  I’m an interesting person.  I know for a fact that I have a lot I can bring to the table.  Yet that feeling of belonging to a community eludes me.

Maybe I just complain too much.  After all, I have a wonderful Akri and a beautiful little bird that both love and accept me for who and what I am.  Shouldn’t that be enough?

At the same time, however, Akri and Morika both have Second Life, where they have friends and family and a community that accepts and loves them.  And, I have to admit, I’m a little jealous.  I know I can’t be part of that.

Perhaps it all just boils down to my terrible self-esteem issues.  As much as I’d like to say “I don’t ACT like I have low self-esteem, so how do the people who treat me poorly or ignore me know?” I think that’s probably the most likely thing it could be.

But is it really too much to ask to be respected in a field of my choosing?

Friends? Unlikely.

Sometimes, I kind of wish I were friends with my ex again.  I don’t know why.  He’s pretty much an asshole.  But at least he was someone I could talk to and feel superior to.  Which is a pretty shitty basis for a friendship, I’ll admit.

I think the biggest thing that is stopping me from even a shitty friendship with him is the fact that he hasn’t changed.  Even after I left with my daughter, he still acts the same as he did before I left.  Instead of using the time to grow as a person, he’s exactly the same.

Perhaps I shouldn’t let it bother me so much, especially since we’re not together anymore.  But I did spend five years with the guy and it was my first real relationship as an adult, so that has a way of affecting someone.

Hah, maybe I’m just lonely, since it’s early morning and no one’s really up to talk to.

Elitist

I have a feeling I’ve been kind of snobbish lately.  Not outwardly, but in my head.  I read something that an ex-friend had written and I immediately thought “wow, I’m better than you.”  I don’t know when I turned out like that.  I don’t even know if it’s necessarily a bad thing.

I mean, sure.  It’s not a good thing to be too elitist.  But I also don’t believe all people are equal.  Some people are either destined for bigger things or just handle things in a better way than others.  That doesn’t mean there’s a single individual who is better than everyone.  While someone may be better in one area, they will fall behind in others.  For example, although I’m a better writer than, say, said ex-friend, I also cannot draw as well as them.

Who knows.  Perhaps I’m just having “realizations of grandeur” tonight.  I don’t always recognize that I’m an awesome person, though I know I must be because people who I feel are QUALITY PEOPLE think I am.  It’s amazing what some self-confidence will do.

Irritants

I have been terribly irritated lately.  Between the heat and the self-doubt, it’s all starting to feel like a bit much.  Minor things have started to bug me, such as the way people address me.  I feel silly calling people out on it, so I don’t say anything, but in my mind, I kind of stew about it.

Mostly I think I’m irritated at myself.  I’ve finally started in on the public release of our Hellion project.  If you’re interested, you can read more here if you’re truly interested in my prose.  It’s nothing fancy and nothing too risqué (that would be over on FetLife, since I’m not 100% sure on deviantArt’s policies regarding sex scenes).

Part of me wishes that I were a better writer.  That’s what makes me so irritated about all of this.  I cannot get the correct words out that I wish to say, though at the same time, I know that the only way to become a stronger writer is to continue to write.

The problem becomes that I love my writing right off the bat, but the more I re-read it, I think it’s terrible.  Even this blog entry was rewritten three or four times before I had to stop myself from deleting and just push the publish button.

I’m sure this will all pass.  I know the weariness of last week certainly has, so this irritation can’t last too much longer.  Perhaps if I can get Akri’s permission to reach an orgasm tonight, that will help…

Can I stop now?

This past week has been insanely busy.  I haven’t even had time to blog.  Well, I suppose I have, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take the time.  I wouldn’t know what to write.  Don’t even know what to write now.

Some thoughts:

• My daughter started school on Monday.  That’s taken some getting used to.  I don’t know what else to say about that other than it’s left us busier than normal. Especially when I thought I’d have more time to do things.
• I have been feeling so… unappealing lately.  But at the same time, the idea of sex is a turnoff to me right now.  What is wrong with me?
• I’m tired of being the one people come to when they feel like bitching.  I just want to be left alone.

Meh.

No more

I have changed a lot in the past few years. So much so that I often wonder if my old friends would even recognize me these days. I don't think they seem to, really. But really, who cares? It just really amazes me that I'm nearly a different person now than five years ago.

The way I dress is slightly different. I'm still in mostly T-shirts and jeans, but those jeans aren't ripped hand-me-downs from my husband. I actually have new clothes, which is something that my ex never saw fit to get for me.

The music I listen to is very different. I rarely listen to Japanese bands these days, instead choosing more diverse music. I've gotten back into older bands that I used to enjoy and, likewise, I've discovered music that a certain Music Nazi wouldn't approve of at all. And I've even started singing again, which has increased my moods greatly.

Alright, so this post is mostly about how shitty my ex treated me. I never get to vent about it, not really. So I'm doing it now. I need to get it off my chest, since I think it's the last thing I really need to move past everything. I was treated poorly, but now things are much better. And I'm so glad for that.

Truth

Last night, I decided to truthfully answers any and all questions that were directed my way. There weren't many coming from outside Akri and Morika, which I consider to be private, though I will recap what was asked publicly. I'm actually surprised there weren't more questions, honestly. I suppose people prefer me to be an enigma.

Why do you want to be a submissive succubi?

As much as I would like to say it's in my nature to be submissive, I'm finding more and more that it's not. However, with Akri, my submission is just a fact of life. Much like breathing, it's something that I cannot do without, nor do I think twice about it.

If money were no object, what is the one thing that would be most important to you to do?

My family. Even when money is tight, I would do anything I can to make sure that you all are taken care of.

When was the moment that Alpha fell in love with Akri?

I fell in love with Akri the first time we played Ragnarok Online together and he sat down to talk to me.

What is the most attractive attribute of your mate that drives you wild for him/her?

You forgot an s there ;)

I love their passion for life. Both Akri and Morika have this indescribable spark in them that drives me wild. When the three of us are together, I feel as if the world could fall apart around me and I wouldn't care at all.

Where were you born?

California.

Was there anything that you were worried about the first time we were about to become naked?

Well, possibly that you would be turned off by the scars on my body, particularly by the c-section scar. I know that I personally loath it, so don't know why you wouldn't. I was pleasantly surprised that it didn't bother you at all, Akri.

If you had the chance to turn back time, would you change anything about your past?

Anyone who knows me probably already knows the answer to this: I would take back getting married. Looking back on it now, I got married for all the wrong reasons. I felt pressured into it. I didn't truly want to, even at the time. I remember crying to my mother about it the morning of the "wedding" and her trying to convince me it was just normal jitters.

Obviously it wasn't, but that's besides the point.

What were you thinking about right before you kissed me for the first time?

I was wondering how soft your lips were going to be. Once I felt them, though, I wanted more and never wanted my lips to be separated from yours.

What is your ultimate sexual fantasy?

This is difficult, because I have many sexual fantasies. So many that I'm not sure which I can label as "the ultimate." One of my fantasies is to have Akri completely dominate Morika and I, telling us exactly what to do, how to do it. Perhaps there's rope or chains or stocks involved. Perhaps it's just a vanilla scene. Either way, it's a turn-on to think about how dominating he can be towards us.

Dear fake ass bitches,

I'm tired of you saying one thing to my face and me finding out you've said another behind my back. Tired of how one can defend someone so obviously worthless. Just consider this friendship at an end now. I'll be the bad guy, I don't give a shit.

I do consider what was done to me the final knife in the back. I put up with it for too long and I don't have to take it any longer. If that makes me a bad friend, I'll be that, too. I'll be whatever you want to call me. And I'll be it proudly, if only to get away from you.

If you don't feel this is aimed at you, it's probably not. If, however, something reminds you of yourself? Yeah, totally aimed at you.

No love or time for bitches,
Lilikka

Let's face it, I'm a bitch

It's days like this that I hate being a succubus. Knowing there are people that are attracted to me, but not being able to be with me. Especially now that part of the rules that all three of us agreed to means no one outside the three of us. And, in a way, I completely understand. It would upset me to see someone else with Akri or with Morika, so why wouldn't it upset them to see someone else with me?

I know I've hurt people because of what I am. I can't help it. I try to make myself seem as unattractive as possible, just to avoid certain situations. I wish it would work more often than it does.

Burn baby burn

Believe it or not, I try not to be a complete bitch most of the time. But when I feel slighted or wronged in some way, I will lash out. Take, for example, my ex’s fiancée. She overstepped her boundaries, so I got upset with her. As a favour to my ex, however, I extended an olive branch, hoping that maybe we just got off on the wrong foot. After all, he said that she said she was sorry.

But it’s been 24 hours and there’s been no response to my generous offer. Now, I’m a forgiving demon, but there is a limit to my forgiveness. Especially when, on day one of meeting this person, she’s trying to dictate what I do or don’t do with my daughter.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this other than to expel anger at the situation. And, quite possibly, hoping the parties responsible for the anger will read this and realize that they’ve fucked with the wrong bitch.

Criminal

I’ve been working on writing something for a while. Nothing definite, nothing solid. Just kind of planning it in my head, hoping something awesome would come out of it. Doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, so I’m just going to write what I can, since that’s what Akri has requested of me.

I’ve come to realize that, in a lot of ways, I’m a bad person. But I’m OK with this. I like who I am. I like what I’ve become. Life is certainly more interesting this way, at the very least. And it’s not like I don’t have those who love me for exactly what I am.

But I realize I’m not the powerless and weak little girl that others have tried to force me to be my whole life. I realize they kept me down because they were scared. Scared of what I was, of what I would become. And if it sounds narcissistic of me, then I’ll gladly claim that title.

The last few days have helped me more therapeutically than the last few years have. And I have to thank the losers from my past for that. So enjoy it while I flip you the bird and smile.

Wandering mind

Sometimes I wonder if my life is a dream that I’m going to wake from.  At times, that dream is a nightmare and I beg to wake up.  Sometimes it’s a good dream and I don’t want to wake up.  But no matter what, there is definitely a dream-like quality to all of my actions and the things that happen around me.  Perhaps it’s because I feel more spiritually connected to a different plane of existence than the one here on Earth.

Because, honestly, I’m curious as to why so many people whose spirits I feel hail from Earth are so… I’m not sure how to describe it.  But they’re vulgar.  Or self-obsessed.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m coming across like I feel I’m better than them.  Or maybe it’s just the feeling I got after reading something today written by a certain someone.  It was pretty disgusting.  And misogynistic.  And just gross.

I don’t know.  I’m tired and not thinking too well today.  Or maybe I’m thinking too much.  Or thinking better than I ought to for the situation.  I don’t know.

De-stress

The stress has been much better managed over the past few days.  Between talking with Akri and Morika about everything and us just all relaxing with each other and it all feels really wonderful to have such love around me.

That’s something that I’m still learning to do and something that I’ve been trying to help Morika with as well.  To learn that it’s not what people who don’t love you say that matters.  It’s a hard lesson to learn.  But it’s been well worth it for Akri to guide me through those rough times.  And it’s nice to be able to turn around and help someone else through that as well.

This little family that we’re building around us is truly a beautiful thing.  Things have never felt so complete in my life, even when they are rough.  As long as I’ve got my little bird and my Akri, things are great.

Stress

I’m not sure I even wrote yesterday like I was supposed to.  Akri said that was OK, but I feel bad about it.  I have been under so much stress lately that it’s really mind boggling that I’m even able to do anything at all.

I’ve been having a really difficult time with my bipolar lately.  It’s swinging down, so I’ve naturally been pretty depressed and feeling down.  As I’m sure can be witnessed by my entries here.

One thing that constantly can make me feel better, however, is writing.  It allows me an escape into my own world, one that I’ve seen in my head and been to in my dreams.  Perhaps even in spirit.  I’m kind of afraid to get all my spiritual thoughts out in a public place because they might be so bizarre that people would think me strange.  And being judged for my beliefs is definitely a trigger of mine.

So I’ll keep them to myself and Akri for now.

Shhhh

Today, Akri allowed me to have a quiet day to myself.  To allow me to analyze things and just get away from all the noise that occurs outside my head.  It was amazing.  I think it’s something that I might request more often, because it’s done me a world of good for both my self-esteem, my productivity and my outlook.

I also discovered that Akri and Morika are muses to me.  Between the two of them, I’ve actually written more fiction in a single day than I have over the past few years.  It’s really quite amazing and I cannot wait to share my stories with the world.

So tonight I go to bed happy, which is very different than things have been in a very, very long time.

Defective

I know Akri doesn’t like me to describe myself as such, but this is how I feel tonight.  Defective.  Broken.  I feel like if only I could be more intimate with those that I’m currently in relationships with that it would fix all that.  But part of me is so scared because I’m not feeling very sensual or sexual at the moment.

So, I feel as if there’s something majorly wrong with me.  And perhaps there is.  I mean, I’m a frakkin succubus.  This should be a natural thing for me.  So it’s got me thinking that there’s all kinds of things wrong with me.  Like I don’t even know my identity anymore.

Maybe this is just a difficult time in my life right now.  It shouldn’t be.  So many things are going right.  So why does it feel like everything is falling apart?

TMI

I don’t like admitting I’m wrong and I like to admit that Akri can be wrong even less.  In my eyes, he’s like a deity, though I know it’s unfair to put that much pressure on his shoulders.  But he made a mistake in my training regimen and we’re now trying to find a way to fix it.

As part of my daily schedule, I was to masturbate twice a day at scheduled times.  This has lead to masturbation and anything sexual feeling absolutely mechanical to me.  Sure, I get wet when stimulated, but I just cannot come.  I’ve tried it while watching porn, while reading erotica, while fantasizing, but nothing seems to work.

Mostly, this has left me feeling frustrated and embarrassed.  I can go through the motions, but can’t actually just reach the goal.  If I could just capture that again, I think things would work out so much better for me.  Not that things are bad right now.  But they’d be better if I could be the fully-actualized succubus self that I know I am.

I’m making a note here:

Huge success!

All nerdities aside, I pushed through and just conquered a trigger.  At least I hope so.  It’s impossible to know for sure if it will come up again in the future, but I think I have this one licked.  And I’m proud of myself for that.  Since struggling with PTSD most of my life, I’ve been unable to do anything remotely like that.

But now, I see things for how they truly are.  And it’s amazing how I couldn’t see these things before.  I’m being vague intentionally here since I don’t want to have to explain things too much.  My blog, my thoughts.

Either way, I’m happy with how things have worked out today. I know I’m a better person for it.

Somebody

I’ve been reading Mira Grant’s Feed.  It makes me wish that, in some ways, the world were a bit like that.  At least the blogosphere.  And minus the zombies.  I want to be seen as a credible writer in some field.  It’s interesting to get my own thoughts out on “paper,” but it would be great to kind of report the news as it happens around me.

I suppose I could do just that, but I’m not much of an anybody.  I could make myself to be a somebody, but I’m not sure how to go about doing that.

But really, I want to be somebody.  More than just in the eyes of those I love and who love me, because I know I’m somebody to them.  And I am grateful for that.  But to be seen as somebody who doesn’t even know me?  That would be an amazing feat for me.