I’ve always tried to fit in wherever I was, but it seems I just can’t find a home, whether it’s in real life or online. I moved around a lot as a child and, now that I’m an adult, I feel unsettled living in the same house for nearly three years.
And don’t get me started with my online homes. In the beginning, I had a place I belonged. A place I was respected, loved, to some degree worshipped. And I miss that feeling in more ways than one. I felt like I mattered. Now? I could disappear for weeks at a time and no one really comments too much on it.
Ever since then, I’ve been hunting for a place where I can be accepted for me, welcomed, loved. Even on my own blog, I feel uneasy. Like I can’t be myself because someone who knows me might come across it and then start to judge me because of the things I say. After all, this is a public space and if I didn’t truly want people knowing my feelings, I wouldn’t publish it where anyone could have access to it.
And even with Master, I don’t completely feel at home. A lot of that has to do with my own feelings of inadequacy at being his submissive. I’ve never done this before and he’s had much more experience than me and what if I can’t please him how he wants to be pleased?
Perhaps all this is just attention-seeking behavior, though. Maybe it’s best to ignore it and pay no mind to it at all.