Monday, June 7, 2010


I’ve always tried to fit in wherever I was, but it seems I just can’t find a home, whether it’s in real life or online.  I moved around a lot as a child and, now that I’m an adult, I feel unsettled living in the same house for nearly three years.

And don’t get me started with my online homes.  In the beginning, I had a place I belonged.  A place I was respected, loved, to some degree worshipped.  And I miss that feeling in more ways than one.  I felt like I mattered.  Now?  I could disappear for weeks at a time and no one really comments too much on it.

Ever since then, I’ve been hunting for a place where I can be accepted for me, welcomed, loved.  Even on my own blog, I feel uneasy.  Like I can’t be myself because someone who knows me might come across it and then start to judge me because of the things I say.  After all, this is a public space and if I didn’t truly want people knowing my feelings, I wouldn’t publish it where anyone could have access to it.

And even with Master, I don’t completely feel at home.  A lot of that has to do with my own feelings of inadequacy at being his submissive.  I’ve never done this before and he’s had much more experience than me and what if I can’t please him how he wants to be pleased?

Perhaps all this is just attention-seeking behavior, though.  Maybe it’s best to ignore it and pay no mind to it at all.


  1. Not that I know your situation but I know what it is like to move from place to place as a child. I know the feeling of never feeling like you fit in. The stir craziness of living in one place after a life time of movement. I can not offer any advice with these things as I am still plagued by this myself. But as a sub i have experience and the short version of advice I will offer even tho it was not asked for it trust your Master share your doubts. Trust that he will teach you an experience Master is a good thing do not let that make you feel inadequate. Please ignore my comment if it does not apply:)

  2. Thank you for your input. I do talk to Master about this, quite a lot, and he asks that I often share my feelings through this blog as well.

    But you're right, I do need to trust in Master and know that, if he feels I'm not inadequate for him, than I'm not.

  3. *huggles*

    Be strong honey and trust in yourself k?

  4. *hugs*

    I'm trying. I put myself out there today in a kind of leap of faith, trusting in my skills to get me by. Here's hoping.