Monday, January 18, 2010

Meditation Monday

Today, I have served Master by starting to take my medication again. There's a reason it's prescribed to me and it only will increase my quality of life if I take it. It's not a bad thing to be free from depression, or as free as any person is able to. It's not a bad thing to have to take medication that will help ground me.

Tomorrow, I can further serve Master by trying to keep myself grounded. I have a tendency to want to run if the present becomes too much of the same thing. It's a terrible cycle I go through and I don't really know any way of breaking out of it. Every five years or so, I just have to become someone new, do something different. But that was usually because I was stuck in bad situations. With Master, I have a good life. It's a safe life.

One thing that can help with my servitude is keeping an open line of communication with Master. There are times when I get quiet and I don't tell him what's really on my mind. I don't want to tell him what to do or how to do it, so I say nothing. This isn't fair to him as Master nor to me as his submissive.

My goal in serving Master is to improve my own life in addition to Master's. I deserve to have a happy life and serving Master makes me happy.

Through my service, I hope to learn how to be happy with a safe life and to not feel the desire to run like I have in the past. I can feel it creeping up on me, but I hope that by serving Master, I will find a place I don't have to run from.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was the last time this feeling was upon me. I was in an unhappy marriage and just had a child that I wasn't sure I wanted. When I had a chance to meet Master, I jumped on it, taking a bus across the country and into another just to see him. I never would have imagined that I would have found such a positive piece of my life by running away. And part of that is what scares me so much about this feeling again. I know I have a good thing with Master, but part of me wonders what would happen if I pass this up and miss out on something greater?

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