Use me. Don’t use me.

Part of the draw of this lifestyle for me is the feeling of being owned, of being used and having no real say in it.  But only by Master.  When others try asserting themselves on me, my body reacts one way and my mind another and I feel as if I’m betraying Master.

I don’t like to be used by others.  If I do something for someone else, I want it to be because I want to, not because I’m told to.  But part of my problems stem from the fact that I feel as if I must always do what others ask of me, even if it’s not always something I want to do.

But I love it when Master commands me, orders me around, debases me and calls me terrible names that I would not normally allow people to call me.  Unfortunately, I don’t often know how to express this desire to Master.  I try to talk to him about it, but I end up feeling so embarrassed that I end up saying nothing at all.  I was able to tell him a bit about it today, but I want to feel owned.  I need to feel owned.