Monday, May 3, 2010

I’ve Been Lost

I haven’t been wanting to be around people at all these past few days.  Maybe a week.  Even being around Master has been unbearable in a sense.  I just feel like shutting myself off from the world and not letting anyone in.

And finally facing the reality that I’m unwanted by my father hasn’t helped.  I’ve known my whole life how little he cared for me, but I never really realized it until today when he stated in open court how much he wants nothing to do with me.  I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve that.  I took his abuse for years in every form imaginable.  I suffer with a bad back to this day because he broke it when I wasn’t even in double-digits.

It all just hammers home how little anyone really seems to want anything to do with me once I’m away from them.  I suppose that some might find that rude of me to say, but honestly, take a look at our relationship and tell me if it isn’t true.  If you’re not offended by it, then obviously, what I’m saying isn’t directed at you.

I still don’t know if I’m ready to be around people again.  There aren’t more than two or three other than Master I even want to talk to.  But I guess I’ll try again and just have to keep hoping I don’t get hurt.  Again.

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