BASE Jumping

Today, I put myself out there.  Took a leap of faith.  Trusted in the faith others had in me.  And it showed me something.  Faith isn’t just something that one can have about the universe at large or even smaller phenomena.  I can have faith in myself.

It might be weird of me to not have known this, but when you realize I was constantly told how useless I was since birth, I never really put much thought into really believing in myself.  After all, even being born, I was a mistake.  I wasn’t my older sister who died and never had a chance at life.  I wasn’t the son my father wanted.

But none of that matters now.  I am Lilikka.  A strong woman.  Yes, I have many problems that I still need to work through and I’m sure that I’ll even falter in feeling as strong as I do right now, but this is testament to the fact that I am capable.  I just need to take that first step off the cliff and trust in myself that I’ll make it down safely.

Home

I’ve always tried to fit in wherever I was, but it seems I just can’t find a home, whether it’s in real life or online.  I moved around a lot as a child and, now that I’m an adult, I feel unsettled living in the same house for nearly three years.

And don’t get me started with my online homes.  In the beginning, I had a place I belonged.  A place I was respected, loved, to some degree worshipped.  And I miss that feeling in more ways than one.  I felt like I mattered.  Now?  I could disappear for weeks at a time and no one really comments too much on it.

Ever since then, I’ve been hunting for a place where I can be accepted for me, welcomed, loved.  Even on my own blog, I feel uneasy.  Like I can’t be myself because someone who knows me might come across it and then start to judge me because of the things I say.  After all, this is a public space and if I didn’t truly want people knowing my feelings, I wouldn’t publish it where anyone could have access to it.

And even with Master, I don’t completely feel at home.  A lot of that has to do with my own feelings of inadequacy at being his submissive.  I’ve never done this before and he’s had much more experience than me and what if I can’t please him how he wants to be pleased?

Perhaps all this is just attention-seeking behavior, though.  Maybe it’s best to ignore it and pay no mind to it at all.

The downside of being a succubus

I don’t often write about being a succubus.  There’s a reason for that.  Mostly because I don’t think people are as receptive to that as they are to me being a submissive.  Regardless, it’s a part of who and what I am and there are parts that I think I need to talk about.

Something has been bothering me lately about the way people are so possessive over me.  I don’t think people even realize they’re doing it, but it seems as if every friend or acquaintance I’ve ever had wants to own me subconsciously.  And I don’t mean this narcissistically, either.  It has nothing to do with how attractive I am or aren’t but rather the emotions I seem to stir up in people.

The problem with being wanted is that you feel pulled every which direction by everyone, including those that you don’t necessarily want to be pulled by, simply because they want to have you, have to have you.  I wouldn’t mind it if it were just Master and the people I like to have around me, but it seems to be everyone.

I don’t know. I don’t really have other succubi to talk about this with to see if it’s just me or what.  I know Master, as an incubus, feels the same way, but we’re also both empaths, so maybe it’s that.  All I know is that it really makes me feel uncomfortable.

HNT: I love a good mystery

It's no mystery that I love books, but I also love video games. Alan Wake feels like a mixture of the two of them. And the mystery involved in the game is amazing and makes me want more.

Just a phase?

I replied to a thread on Kotaku regarding relationships and what I find attractive in a companion.  Naturally, I brought up my relationship with Master, as it’s nothing that I’m ashamed of.  But what has appalled me is the reply I got.

I figured I’d get skeptics, but for someone to accuse me of mistreating my child by putting her on a leash is disgusting.  Firstly, I am a consenting adult and she is not.  Secondly, I fail to see what I do in my private relationship with Master has anything to do with our daughter.  She doesn’t see that side of it.

But I think worst of all is this person telling me it’s just a phase.  I know there are couples in D/s relationships that have lasted years, if not decades.  I never want to live without being Master’s.

Maybe I’m just looking for validation.  Master says it’s not a big deal and the person is just being rude for rudeness’s sake, but it really, really hurts me when I try to open up to the public at large about myself that I’m constantly rejected.

Use me. Don’t use me.

Part of the draw of this lifestyle for me is the feeling of being owned, of being used and having no real say in it.  But only by Master.  When others try asserting themselves on me, my body reacts one way and my mind another and I feel as if I’m betraying Master.

I don’t like to be used by others.  If I do something for someone else, I want it to be because I want to, not because I’m told to.  But part of my problems stem from the fact that I feel as if I must always do what others ask of me, even if it’s not always something I want to do.

But I love it when Master commands me, orders me around, debases me and calls me terrible names that I would not normally allow people to call me.  Unfortunately, I don’t often know how to express this desire to Master.  I try to talk to him about it, but I end up feeling so embarrassed that I end up saying nothing at all.  I was able to tell him a bit about it today, but I want to feel owned.  I need to feel owned.

I’ve Been Lost

I haven’t been wanting to be around people at all these past few days.  Maybe a week.  Even being around Master has been unbearable in a sense.  I just feel like shutting myself off from the world and not letting anyone in.

And finally facing the reality that I’m unwanted by my father hasn’t helped.  I’ve known my whole life how little he cared for me, but I never really realized it until today when he stated in open court how much he wants nothing to do with me.  I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve that.  I took his abuse for years in every form imaginable.  I suffer with a bad back to this day because he broke it when I wasn’t even in double-digits.

It all just hammers home how little anyone really seems to want anything to do with me once I’m away from them.  I suppose that some might find that rude of me to say, but honestly, take a look at our relationship and tell me if it isn’t true.  If you’re not offended by it, then obviously, what I’m saying isn’t directed at you.

I still don’t know if I’m ready to be around people again.  There aren’t more than two or three other than Master I even want to talk to.  But I guess I’ll try again and just have to keep hoping I don’t get hurt.  Again.