Just a phase?

I replied to a thread on Kotaku regarding relationships and what I find attractive in a companion.  Naturally, I brought up my relationship with Master, as it’s nothing that I’m ashamed of.  But what has appalled me is the reply I got.

I figured I’d get skeptics, but for someone to accuse me of mistreating my child by putting her on a leash is disgusting.  Firstly, I am a consenting adult and she is not.  Secondly, I fail to see what I do in my private relationship with Master has anything to do with our daughter.  She doesn’t see that side of it.

But I think worst of all is this person telling me it’s just a phase.  I know there are couples in D/s relationships that have lasted years, if not decades.  I never want to live without being Master’s.

Maybe I’m just looking for validation.  Master says it’s not a big deal and the person is just being rude for rudeness’s sake, but it really, really hurts me when I try to open up to the public at large about myself that I’m constantly rejected.

Use me. Don’t use me.

Part of the draw of this lifestyle for me is the feeling of being owned, of being used and having no real say in it.  But only by Master.  When others try asserting themselves on me, my body reacts one way and my mind another and I feel as if I’m betraying Master.

I don’t like to be used by others.  If I do something for someone else, I want it to be because I want to, not because I’m told to.  But part of my problems stem from the fact that I feel as if I must always do what others ask of me, even if it’s not always something I want to do.

But I love it when Master commands me, orders me around, debases me and calls me terrible names that I would not normally allow people to call me.  Unfortunately, I don’t often know how to express this desire to Master.  I try to talk to him about it, but I end up feeling so embarrassed that I end up saying nothing at all.  I was able to tell him a bit about it today, but I want to feel owned.  I need to feel owned.

I’ve Been Lost

I haven’t been wanting to be around people at all these past few days.  Maybe a week.  Even being around Master has been unbearable in a sense.  I just feel like shutting myself off from the world and not letting anyone in.

And finally facing the reality that I’m unwanted by my father hasn’t helped.  I’ve known my whole life how little he cared for me, but I never really realized it until today when he stated in open court how much he wants nothing to do with me.  I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve that.  I took his abuse for years in every form imaginable.  I suffer with a bad back to this day because he broke it when I wasn’t even in double-digits.

It all just hammers home how little anyone really seems to want anything to do with me once I’m away from them.  I suppose that some might find that rude of me to say, but honestly, take a look at our relationship and tell me if it isn’t true.  If you’re not offended by it, then obviously, what I’m saying isn’t directed at you.

I still don’t know if I’m ready to be around people again.  There aren’t more than two or three other than Master I even want to talk to.  But I guess I’ll try again and just have to keep hoping I don’t get hurt.  Again.

Clamps

I have a thing for tit torture. It's erotic to watch and erotic to feel. My favorite device are the clover clamps that Master bought for me. Immediately when they are put on, I'm brought to a place where I'm ready and willing to submit to Master, without having to be coaxed there. They bring out something animalistic within me. My pussy moistens and my clit throbs and I just want Master's big cock shoved into my mouth as he pulls on the chain connecting the clamps.

It's the chain, I think, that makes this pair of clamps wonderful. It reminds me of my submission the same way as my collar does. Whether Master is directing my movement by pulling on the rings of my collar or on the chain of the clamps, I know I am doing what he is desiring of me. It's these moments that I realize my true purpose in life: to serve Master to the best of my abilities. It's when I truly feel alive. And having my nipples squeezed tightly by the clamps helps remind me of that.

Truly, I don't think I would be able to submit fully if clamps weren't involved in some way. It doesn't have to be all the time, but even only once in a while, it's a wonderful reminder of the blissful pain that my submission brings to me. As a masochist, it is something I thrive on, particularly in matters of a sexual nature. And if something so simple as that can help bring me closer to what I perceive as my true purpose, than that can only be a good thing.

Sleepless

I’ve been tossing and turning in bed for the past 30 minutes and I hadn’t been able to figure out why.  Then it hit me: I’m still not completely over eni.  It’s only been, what, a few months since then?  November is when it all happened.

But I had fallen hard for her and in the span of only a few days, she managed to rip my heart out and show me how naive and vulnerable I can still be after all this time.

I don’t know why it bothers me as much as it does.  What the three of us shared together is nothing like what Master and I together have.  But it was that third piece that made it kind of nice.  But I don’t know if I could ever open my heart up again for that.

Either way, I hope by just writing this little bit, I’ll at least be able to sleep.  And that Master will read in the morning and maybe he can just talk with me about it.

Hi, I’m Lilikka and I have PTSD

I’m not quite sure if I’ve touched on it in this blog, but I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD due to the past abuse of my father and ex-husband.  What this generally means is that my past is a scary place for me, but it’s getting better.  I’ve discovered just how much better it’s gotten lately when I started catching up with people from my past and I was no longer reminded of the bad things.

I attribute a lot of my healing to Master.  Although we include physical punishments as part of our relationship, they aren’t the same as the abuse of the past.  And, truly, I don’t do much to deserve punishment.  There are the occasional upkeep spakings, to make sure that I’m used to feeling the sting of Master’s hand, but those, again, aren’t like the abuse at all.

Truly, I think I’ve come a long way from what I was when I started serving Master.  I was afraid to leave the house then, sure that at any moment, my father or ex-husband would come leaping out unseen and attack me.  But that’s the way it is with PTSD and all I can do is hope to continue conquering it.

A burden shared is a burden halved

Not that serving Master is a burden, but there are times I wish he did have a second submissive, if only because there are times I simply cannot be there for him in the capacity that he deserves.  Tonight is one of those nights.

In some ways, I really miss the short time that he had eni serving him.  It was a relief to know that, if I wasn’t able to give him the attention he needs due to circumstanced I can’t control, someone was there to attend to him in my absence.  Of course, things happened, and she wasn’t fit to serve him in the end.

But I feel a bit burnt out on everything.  At this point, I question if I even deserve to be because I can’t even carry out a simple request of Master’s.  And although he tells me to take care of my health before worrying about serving him, I can’t help but worry and come down on myself for not being able to do my duties.