Community

I’ve tried for years to feel like I was connected to something bigger than myself.  But try as I might, I continue to feel like an outcast.  I’m not quite sure why that is, though.  I’m an interesting person.  I know for a fact that I have a lot I can bring to the table.  Yet that feeling of belonging to a community eludes me.

Maybe I just complain too much.  After all, I have a wonderful Akri and a beautiful little bird that both love and accept me for who and what I am.  Shouldn’t that be enough?

At the same time, however, Akri and Morika both have Second Life, where they have friends and family and a community that accepts and loves them.  And, I have to admit, I’m a little jealous.  I know I can’t be part of that.

Perhaps it all just boils down to my terrible self-esteem issues.  As much as I’d like to say “I don’t ACT like I have low self-esteem, so how do the people who treat me poorly or ignore me know?” I think that’s probably the most likely thing it could be.

But is it really too much to ask to be respected in a field of my choosing?

Friends? Unlikely.

Sometimes, I kind of wish I were friends with my ex again.  I don’t know why.  He’s pretty much an asshole.  But at least he was someone I could talk to and feel superior to.  Which is a pretty shitty basis for a friendship, I’ll admit.

I think the biggest thing that is stopping me from even a shitty friendship with him is the fact that he hasn’t changed.  Even after I left with my daughter, he still acts the same as he did before I left.  Instead of using the time to grow as a person, he’s exactly the same.

Perhaps I shouldn’t let it bother me so much, especially since we’re not together anymore.  But I did spend five years with the guy and it was my first real relationship as an adult, so that has a way of affecting someone.

Hah, maybe I’m just lonely, since it’s early morning and no one’s really up to talk to.