And that’s all I have to say about that.

Thinking of moving blogs to a new place.  Feel like I need a fresh start.  But first, I have something to get off my chest.

Everyone who is friends with my ex is a dumbass.  Each and every one of you.  Sure, he might not have done anything to you personally, but he’s kept secrets.  Like from you, Kitten.  He had sex with your (at the time) under age cousin in the pool bathroom at your mother’s house.

Oh, and he sexually molested my daughter.

I don’t care if none of you believe me or want to chalk it up to bitterness of the break up.  But that’s exactly what she told me.  “He touched my girl parts and made me lay on my stomach while he put something up my butt.”  Children don’t make up shit like that at two years old, which is how old she was when she first told me.

So fuck each and every one of you for thinking he’s a good friend.  Fuck you for asking me to help that child molester out.  Oh, and fuck you for ruining my fun when his Facebook account was “hacked” (because he had been using the same password for his account since I left him).  It’s no less than what he is, after all.  I hope you all read this and feel as bad as you made me feel by asking me to HELP him.

Fuck you.

Community

I’ve tried for years to feel like I was connected to something bigger than myself.  But try as I might, I continue to feel like an outcast.  I’m not quite sure why that is, though.  I’m an interesting person.  I know for a fact that I have a lot I can bring to the table.  Yet that feeling of belonging to a community eludes me.

Maybe I just complain too much.  After all, I have a wonderful Akri and a beautiful little bird that both love and accept me for who and what I am.  Shouldn’t that be enough?

At the same time, however, Akri and Morika both have Second Life, where they have friends and family and a community that accepts and loves them.  And, I have to admit, I’m a little jealous.  I know I can’t be part of that.

Perhaps it all just boils down to my terrible self-esteem issues.  As much as I’d like to say “I don’t ACT like I have low self-esteem, so how do the people who treat me poorly or ignore me know?” I think that’s probably the most likely thing it could be.

But is it really too much to ask to be respected in a field of my choosing?

Friends? Unlikely.

Sometimes, I kind of wish I were friends with my ex again.  I don’t know why.  He’s pretty much an asshole.  But at least he was someone I could talk to and feel superior to.  Which is a pretty shitty basis for a friendship, I’ll admit.

I think the biggest thing that is stopping me from even a shitty friendship with him is the fact that he hasn’t changed.  Even after I left with my daughter, he still acts the same as he did before I left.  Instead of using the time to grow as a person, he’s exactly the same.

Perhaps I shouldn’t let it bother me so much, especially since we’re not together anymore.  But I did spend five years with the guy and it was my first real relationship as an adult, so that has a way of affecting someone.

Hah, maybe I’m just lonely, since it’s early morning and no one’s really up to talk to.

Elitist

I have a feeling I’ve been kind of snobbish lately.  Not outwardly, but in my head.  I read something that an ex-friend had written and I immediately thought “wow, I’m better than you.”  I don’t know when I turned out like that.  I don’t even know if it’s necessarily a bad thing.

I mean, sure.  It’s not a good thing to be too elitist.  But I also don’t believe all people are equal.  Some people are either destined for bigger things or just handle things in a better way than others.  That doesn’t mean there’s a single individual who is better than everyone.  While someone may be better in one area, they will fall behind in others.  For example, although I’m a better writer than, say, said ex-friend, I also cannot draw as well as them.

Who knows.  Perhaps I’m just having “realizations of grandeur” tonight.  I don’t always recognize that I’m an awesome person, though I know I must be because people who I feel are QUALITY PEOPLE think I am.  It’s amazing what some self-confidence will do.

Irritants

I have been terribly irritated lately.  Between the heat and the self-doubt, it’s all starting to feel like a bit much.  Minor things have started to bug me, such as the way people address me.  I feel silly calling people out on it, so I don’t say anything, but in my mind, I kind of stew about it.

Mostly I think I’m irritated at myself.  I’ve finally started in on the public release of our Hellion project.  If you’re interested, you can read more here if you’re truly interested in my prose.  It’s nothing fancy and nothing too risqué (that would be over on FetLife, since I’m not 100% sure on deviantArt’s policies regarding sex scenes).

Part of me wishes that I were a better writer.  That’s what makes me so irritated about all of this.  I cannot get the correct words out that I wish to say, though at the same time, I know that the only way to become a stronger writer is to continue to write.

The problem becomes that I love my writing right off the bat, but the more I re-read it, I think it’s terrible.  Even this blog entry was rewritten three or four times before I had to stop myself from deleting and just push the publish button.

I’m sure this will all pass.  I know the weariness of last week certainly has, so this irritation can’t last too much longer.  Perhaps if I can get Akri’s permission to reach an orgasm tonight, that will help…

Can I stop now?

This past week has been insanely busy.  I haven’t even had time to blog.  Well, I suppose I have, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take the time.  I wouldn’t know what to write.  Don’t even know what to write now.

Some thoughts:

• My daughter started school on Monday.  That’s taken some getting used to.  I don’t know what else to say about that other than it’s left us busier than normal. Especially when I thought I’d have more time to do things.
• I have been feeling so… unappealing lately.  But at the same time, the idea of sex is a turnoff to me right now.  What is wrong with me?
• I’m tired of being the one people come to when they feel like bitching.  I just want to be left alone.

Meh.

No more

I have changed a lot in the past few years. So much so that I often wonder if my old friends would even recognize me these days. I don't think they seem to, really. But really, who cares? It just really amazes me that I'm nearly a different person now than five years ago.

The way I dress is slightly different. I'm still in mostly T-shirts and jeans, but those jeans aren't ripped hand-me-downs from my husband. I actually have new clothes, which is something that my ex never saw fit to get for me.

The music I listen to is very different. I rarely listen to Japanese bands these days, instead choosing more diverse music. I've gotten back into older bands that I used to enjoy and, likewise, I've discovered music that a certain Music Nazi wouldn't approve of at all. And I've even started singing again, which has increased my moods greatly.

Alright, so this post is mostly about how shitty my ex treated me. I never get to vent about it, not really. So I'm doing it now. I need to get it off my chest, since I think it's the last thing I really need to move past everything. I was treated poorly, but now things are much better. And I'm so glad for that.